Demonicus (2001)

Nomination Year: 2014
SYNOPSIS:  Today we will be making Demonicus stew. To start off, you will need the following ingredients:

1 Alps. You may substitute in a California but it will alter the taste of the stew slightly.
4 or 5 couples. The quantity doesn't matter as much as the quality; be sure to pick only the most annoying ones. 1 Virgin. If your virgin is part of your couples, reserve him or her for later monster plot.
1 Etruscan god; vengeful.
1 cursed gladiator outfit.
It is best to go to the established movie houses for this one but on a budget, your local Walmart and some touch-up paint will do.
1 desiccated Etruscan Gladiator.
1 conveniently large cauldron.


Place your couples randomly in your plot to make sure they don't converge too soon. Your first couple should contain one annoying, whiny, overly unlikable member so that nobody has any regrets about them getting skewered right off the bat. It helps if the second person of the couple is both curious and stupid enough to put on the cursed gladiator outfit and do the deed themselves. Weak-willed is a bonus as then they won't fight their natural urge to kill the annoying whiner. Carve up the first victim and place the arms, legs and head in a large cauldron. Simmer.

Allow the other couples, in any order, to arrive at the Vengeful Etruscan God's cave one-by-one. Your cursed desiccated gladiator armor wearing possessed character can kill them off more easily this way, which allows the stew to season. Chop off any heads, arms and legs and throw them in the pot, stirring occasionally with a large spoon.

Reserve your virgin (in chains) until later. All the couples must be chopped up and put in the pot before adding the virgin. You will want to choose a virgin who knows nothing about ancient peoples and gods because this will lessen the chance that the virgin escapes and knows how to spoil the stew. If you happen to get a knowledgeable virgin, watch them carefully.

When all the couples have been dismembered and their limbs and heads simmering for about a day, it is time to add the blood of the virgin. This will bring life to the desiccated gladiator and bring back the Vengeful Etruscan god. If you happen to have the misfortune of picking a knowledgeable virgin and they defeat your possessed character, your stew is probably ruined. It is unfortunate but about the only thing you can do is drop a pile of rocks on your virgin and start over.

Most Ludicrous Premise

Those Darned Etruscans!
As Gina was dying, she pointed Dino toward the entry on Tyrannus in her history of Rome. Tyrannus was a gladiator who rebelled with Spartacus ("where Spartacus believed in good, Tyrannus believed in evil), but escaped to the Italian Alps. Tyrannus worshipped the Etruscan animal Gods, and vowed his eternal revenge.

Inane Dialogue

For certain unusual values of "Fine."
Dino is freeing Maria. "Are you okay?" He asks. "Yeah," she says. "Are you?" "I'm fine," he replies, right before James runs him through with a sword.

Worst Special Effect

'Tis But a Flesh Wound!
James goes running up to two soon-to-be-victims, saying "Vaevictus." He chops limbs off (an arm, a leg, a head) in a "special" effect worthy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Crummiest Ending

That Was The End That Was(n't?)
Maria grabs the helmet from James' head, and James collapses.
But now the chimera painting on the cave wall is acting all funky!
Maria runs out of the cave (with the helmet). Behind her, she can hear chimera noises, and we see shadows on the cave wall.
She escapes!
Or does she?
We hear more roaring from the cave, and see CGI eyes approaching the entrance. Maria runs some more!
She escapes!
Or does she?
When she stops running, it's near the pedestal where James was "hidden" earlier. The helmet does a weird CGI thing, and Maria starts to put it on. She can hear the roar of the crowd, and see the statue atop the pedestal. But wait -- she rips the helmet off her head!
Maria escapes!
Or does she?
The statue is still there. Is she in the past, before the statue was destroyed by "the gods"? "No," she says. "This isn't real!"
Or is it?
Maria drops the helmet. The status explodes, and CGI "rocks" fall onto Maria, killing her. The helmet's "eyes" glow. Roll credits!

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Venesa Talor  
Director Claim to Fame
Jay Woelfel I don't know if it rhymes with "woeful" or "awful" 

Jeannette Quirk

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© 2011-2019 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.