Hell Squad (1986)
Nomination Year: 2016
SYNOPSIS: Ah, Hell Squad. If ever the doctor ordered a piece of mid-eighties cinematic cheese, the Rx pad would simply read Hell Squad. DAW.
It's one of those movies where Arabs are played by white guys with bushy mustaches wearing head scarves. There are only two kinds of people in this movie: white people (the good guys), and "Arabs" (the bad guys).
The movie begins with an explosion, and some (purported) scientists wandering through the aftermath. There are chains and collars on the ground, and the "scientists" go on and on about the power of this new "U.N. weapon" (the Ultra-Neutron bomb; not the United Nations) to vaporize living tissue without affecting inanimate objects.
Science lesson over, the US ambassador's son is kidnapped (ambassador to where? does it matter?). The kidnappers want the plans for the UN weapon. The ambassador can't just hand the plans over, and the kidnappers have threatened to kill the son if the ambassador attempts to rescue him through official channels.
The ambassador's assistant offers to take care of the matter unofficially.
The assistant goes to Las Vegas, and recruits a bunch of showgirls. They attend boot camp to become a hardened commando unit. Only a handful of the best-trained girls graduate to the Squad.
Searching for clues to the ambassador's son's whereabouts, they need the perfect cover for traveling the Middle East incognito. Of course! Why not travel as a troupe of Las Vegas showgirls giving shows throughout the Arab world? It's a no-brainer!
The Squad is put through terrible privations, such as the fact that the Middle East is suffering from a water shortage, which means they all have to take their bubble baths together in one giant hot-tub-sized bathtub.
They head out at night, and beat up informants. During the day, they perform. Some of them are captured by an "Arab" sheik, but they escape from his clutches (leaving him to the tender mercies of his hungry tigers) with the location of the ambassador's son! In a castle by a lake at the edge of the desert.
In a large stone castle ... by a lake ... at the edge of the desert ... in the Middle East. Let's just move on.
The battle is hard, but the son is rescued, and the castle is dynamited.
The movie is almost over, but for one thing -- with so many obstacles at every turn, there must have been a traitor in the midst. In the ambassador's office, the traitor is revealed in true Scooby-Doo fashion.
And if that doesn't make you want to stumble over to Netflix and rent this film, then it's like I never really knew you.
- Most Ludicrous Premise
Briefing at car show
- "Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"
Water shortage bubble bath. Everyone in!
- "Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw"
Blowing up castle
- Worst Picture
Worst mikes of all in ambassador's office
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