Saint Bernard (2013)

Nomination Year: 2021

SYNOPSIS:

I...I...don't really know what to say about this film. I got this thinking it was a Cujo ripoff. But it was not. I may not be exaggerating to say this is the one that almost broke us. The plot? Nearly non-existent. As near as anyone can figure, this orchestra conductor named Bernard goes bat-f*ck insane and drags us with him. He finds a dead dog on the side of the road and puts its head in a bag (it's a Saint Bernard, of course). The bag drips blood and gore throughout his travels. He's accosted by old men and hookers, hallucinating wildly all the while.

I think this incomprehensible sewage was tossed together by writer/producer and SPFX guy Gabe Bartalos as a sort of portfolio of his work. He took the protagonist and put him in various situations that fit things he'd already created Or didn't, because fuck the audience, right?

By any reckoning, this film IS All The Drugs.

Bryan Cassidy

Smithee Award Nominations

"WHAT?!"
A Splitting Headache Bernard has a crisis onstage. The audience doesn't like it. The stress is about to make his head explode. And it does...literally! Then a cartoon sperm comes out... and... uh... But I guess it's a hallucination. Except he wiggles out of the club as a live-action sperm-thing.	Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!

Worst Picture
Dead Presidents Bernard finds a $100 bill stuck to him and it precipitates (ha, rain pun) a hallucination where Franklin, Lincoln, and Jackson fight in the pouring rain. Abe flips us the bird at the end. Classic.	Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!

Static Boy

This clip...this clip. Aiyee. It's right up there with Big Gus or Basket Case II. Anyway, a hooker sexually assaults Bernard at knifepoint, and says "This'll be ecstatic! Oh, boy!" He riffs off that and...here comes Static Boy! He's the shit!

Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!

Directors

Director	Claim to Fame
Gabriel Bartalos	Directed Skinned Deep and Saint Bernard...wow. What a trip. He's mostly an FX guy, and basically, like Ed Wood with stock footage, makes his movies with whatever he's got lying around.

Cast

Actor	Character	Claim to Fame
Jason Dugre	Bernard
Katy Sullivan	Miss Roadkill
Peter Iasillo, Jr.	The Chief	Plays bums and homeless men on big and small screen. Oh, and the uncredited Elevator "Tip O'Neil" Zombie in Day of the Dead.
Jack Doroshow	Uncle Ed
Bob Zmuda	Father Steele	Had a few background parts in The Number 23, Batman Forever, and D.C. Cab.
Warwick Davis	Othello	Before he was the Leprechaun, he was Willow
George Clayton Johnson	Father Time	Wrote "Logan's Run" and several "Twilight Zone" scripts, as well as "Star Trek" script "The Man Trap."


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