Vampiyaz (2004)

Nomination Year: 2006
SYNOPSIS:  Ow. Ow ow. This one hurt. Low production values, Bad Acting, Terrible Dialogue, and not-so-special effects. Two crooks have a parting of the ways when a robbery goes awry and they have a little accident. The good one, Jakeem, (Our Hero) gets sent to jail while the other, Khalil, gets turned into a vampire (in a completely unrelated incident). Go figure. Fast forward eight years (or is it seven, since they switch from one to the other in the dialogue) and our reformed safecracker meets his vamped-up ex-partner and his Renfield-esque toady. Strongarmed into safecracking a special amulet that will make vampires invincible (which they tend to pronounce "am-oo-let" and the origins of which are never revealed), Jakeem now has to join forces with the secret armed platoon of vampire-hunters he stole it from (Government? No way to tell.). It's the only way to stop Khalil and...the Vampiyaz.


Dial 1-900-BAD-EDIT
The phone is in his lap. No, it's on the side table! No, it's in his lap! Whoops!


That's a Lot of Carrots
The Robbery. The bumbling duo argue, eat potato chips, and steal obviously-costume beads from...A GUY IN A PINK BUNNY SUIT?!

Acting Appropriately Stupid

"Don't Call Me Stupid!"
Khalil has a sore spot for being called stupid. He demonstrates his superior intellect by beating up the driver of the speeding car he's riding in. With predictible results.

Worst Acting

Blown All out of Proportion
The chick in the wheelchair is Stacey (Lila Blake Palmer), Jakeem's love interest and the woman he accidentally ran down in the accident years ago (though what she was doing in the woods at night is never revealed). Jakeem must once again open the same safe or she blows up. This time, he fails, probably because of her LOUSY ACTING. But it's all right. Although we hear an explosion and see the wheelchair lift up a few inches and some "blood" splashes on the wall, Jakeem is unscathed even though only feet from the blast. The most bizarre thing of all? The timer is actually accurate in this of all movies! It's attention to detail like that which makes this film. Or something.

Worst Picture

The Heist, Part Deux
Jakeem and Ray storm the enemy stronghold-cum-crackhouse and steal the am-oo-let (from the same prop-safe the bunny guy had). Jakeem is Oblivious to the gunfire around him, which includes blatantly obvious CGI muzzle-flashes and blood that looks like Kool-Aid. Argh!

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Richard Carroll Jr.  
Malik Burke  
Lila Blake Palmer  
Debbie Rochon Well-known scream queen with a cult following 
Jenicia Garcia also producer of Zombiez 
Jackeem Sellers  
Randy Clarke  
Director Claim to Fame
John Bacchus writer/director of such glistening cinematic excrescence as this movie, Kinky Kong, and Batbabe: The Dark Nightie, it's no wonder that he uses multiple pseudonyms 

Bryan Cassidy

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