Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe (2005)
Bloodsuckers

Nomination Year: 2011
SYNOPSIS:  When I first read the back cover of this movie, I thought "That would make an awesome role-playing game." And having watched the film, I feel that I was 100% correct.

I can picture the character creation session now:

Player 1: "I'm going to be the young officer with a lot of general leadership and competence but a troubled past."
Player 2: "Okay, then I want to be the big tough explosives expert with the tattoo of a cross and a Texas accent. Yee-haw!"
Player 3: "All right, then I'm gonna be an Asian gunbunny with an abrasive personality."
Player 4: "Bob, you always play Asian gunnie chicks."
P3: "Shut up, Steve. What are you going to play, then?"
P4: "I think ... maybe a vampiric outcast. Yeah! And she has super-hearing and super-senses, and can only drink blood but she doesn't feed on her crewmates because they're all part of a team, and her parents were vampires but are dead now, and ... and ... and she's a telepath."
P3: "A telepath again?! My gunbunny hates your stupid psychic vampire."
P4: "My vampire hates your dumb-ass gunbunny, although secretly wishing that we could all be friends and get along, of course."
P2: "My explosives expert sides with the gunbunny. We humans have to stick together! Frank?"
P1: "My young officer is the F.N.G., so he doesn't take sides yet."

The GM starts the campaign off with a combat section, as the crew (along with their captain, an NPC) goes out to get some experience with the combat system hunt vampires. The GM has a whole bunch of vampire races, each one named after horror movie antagonists (the Voorhees, the Leatherfaces, etc). The character bonding doesn't go very well, but the party escapes unscathed.

Their second session goes worse. Captain NPC is killed, and Young Officer makes the decision to leave him behind. Immediate party rift! They pick up the survivor of Suspicious Vampire Attack #1, and drop her off at an interstellar casino. The Young Officer makes an uneasy truce between himself and his crew (prompted, no doubt, by the GM dropping big ol' hints that if they split into separate parties, the campaign will be over). Then just after they leave it, the casino undergoes Suspicious Vampire Attack #2.

The crew communicates with the world's most disgusting vampiric sock puppet (called a "Nosferitty" or "Nosferteeny" or something like that - just to mix things up a bit - the GM sets aside his long-nailed Krueger vampires for the sequel, no doubt), and then they head out to track down the "survivor," who they determine is really in league with the vampire attacks.

In the third session, the player-characters accidentally destroy their ship, have to fight the resurrected-as-a-vampire Captain NPC, and need to successfully be subtle to an overbearing vampiric wannabe-overlord NPC (played by Michael Ironside).

And of course, since the female characters are played by male players, the session ends with them getting it on. XP is awarded.

I kind of want to run a few game sessions of "Vampire Wars" now....

Most Ludicrous Premise

Space: The Trash Heap.
A disgusted-sounding narrator tells us that humanity expanded into space, only to discover that it was teeming with life. Vampiric life. Luckily, there are teams of humans called VSAN (Vampire SANitation) Units that travel around the universe to exterminate (or should I say "cleanse"?) this endemic vampiric life. And this is the story of one such team....

Smithee Award Winner! Stupidest-Looking Monster

In the future, all sock puppets will be vampires.
In a film full of low-budget special effects, this monster might top them all. It's a representative of a race of leech-like vampiric parasites, the Nosferati. And it's a freaking hand puppet! A hand puppet vampire with an Eastern European accent.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Natassia Malthe  
A.J. Cook  
Michael DeLuise from 21 Jump Street on, you've seen him everywhere 
Michael Ironside Interchangeable with John Saxon 
Director Claim to Fame
Matthew Hastings also wrote Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe 

Kevin Hogan

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© 2011-2019 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.