Leeches! (2003)

Nomination Year: 2013
SYNOPSIS:  This movie had all the classic hallmarks of a David DeCoteau film: loving shots of muscular early-20s men wandering around primarily shirtless, very little cast apart from these men, an almost-ruthlessly-nonspecific geographic setting, and boxer briefs. Although truly, I could have stopped with the loving shots of muscular early-20s men wandering around primarily shirtless. That's the single hallmark of a classic DDC film.

In this one, these men are the local college's swim team. The swimmers have been taking steroids. They go off to a local party at "the lake," and a few of them emerge with attached leeches. They pull the leeches off each other in the shower room, and kick them down the drain.

Giant steroid leeches emerge a few scenes later. Some terrorizin' happens. One of the team's top swimmers takes a mega-dose of steroids, gets drunk, and jumps into the lake. He emerges covered with normal-sized leeches. They suck him to death, and more giant steroid leeches come to be. There is even a mysterious cocoon in the men's locker room that is never really explained.

Unfortunately, the leeches don't quite get all the blood in his body, and a local (doctor? scientist? dean?) female person is able to run some tox screens. She tells the swim coach about the steroids, and he orders his swimmers ... to be damn sure they can pass a drug test during Spring Break.

So, the swimmers dump their steroids down the shower drain in the shower room. Because there just weren't enough giant steroid leeches. At this point, the leeches are bold enough to start attacking people out of the water (actually, the giant sock puppets leeches have been doing so all along).

Luckily, the entire campus seems to be deserted except for the swim team and their girlfriends (Spring Break, remember?). When a leech attack in a shower leads the survivors to discover that leeches are vulnerable to electrocution (thanks to a convenient hairdryer), our surviving heroes Scientific Swimmer and Shy Chick are able to devise a cunning plan to lure the leeches into the school's pool using Steve-O (our least favorite character) as bait!

Most Ludicrous Premise

Nice theory, Einstein!
Steve-O shows up, and a giant leech attacks him. "What the hell was that?" asks Steve-O. "A leech," says our hero, explaining his theory that the leeches have grown to giant size due to feeding on the steroid-laden blood of the swim team. "If they can pump up someone of your size, imagine what they can do to something that small!"

Stupidest-Looking Monster

That's hot!
The giant leeches look like a cross between ugly silicone oven mitts, goofy rubber hand puppets, and your standard poop-shaped monster. We get to see them as they fondle their way up the sleeping (and clad-only-in-boxer-briefs) body of a member of the swim team.

Acting Appropriately Stupid

And here's a gun -- just shoot yourself with this when you're done!
Tony needs to catch up to the others, he only just started taking steroids, so ... Steve-O (his supplier on the swim team) urges him to take the whole bag of 'roids to catch up to the rest. And use this alcohol to wash it down!

Worst Picture

Symbolism? No Symbolism Here, Nope!
The swim coach finds a nasty (blood-colored) stain in the locker room, and yells at the maintenance guy to clean it up. Meanwhile, one of the swimmers who stayed late in the weight room is just looking to grab a shower (in his "shower briefs," apparently). As he showers, the camera lingers lovingly over his body, the water cascading down over the firm hairless flesh. A shower drain slowly moves aside. Firm, hairless flesh under a pounding nozzle of water. Then we see a giant leech being pulled out of the drain as if on a string climbing slowly out of the drain, and heading for our young showering manflesh. Leech. Manflesh. Leech. The guy showering turns around, we think he's going to see the leech, but no ... he slips on something nonexistent, and hits his head on the tile. So we get the leech-eye view of the young, unconscious boy-man lying on the ground. The leech starts to force its way through his firm yet yielding lips.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Michael Lutz  
Mark Ian Miller  
Trevor Harris  
Mike Cole  
Director Claim to Fame
David DeCoteau Also credited as Julian Breen, Ellen Cabot, Richard Chasen, Dave DeCoteau, Eric Mancini, David McCabe, Jack Reed, Victoria Sloan, Martin Tate, and Joseph Tennent -- so far 

Kevin Hogan

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