Vampegeddon (2010)
Nomination Year: 2026
SYNOPSIS: In 1897, the publication of the novel Dracula outs all the vampires in Europe and forces them flee to the Americas, where people don't actually read. Italian Vampire lord Count Giovanni decides to settle in Arizona with his minions. Unfortunately for him, famed English vampire hunter Longshank follows him there. Count Giovanni kills Longshank's wife, then vampire and hunter slay each other in an orgy of bad special effects. A hundred and some years later, we meet our heroes -- goths Melissa, Mona, and Liz, and Mona's boyfriend Ted and his friend Kent. The five of them look like worn out thirty-year-old junkies, but they talk about their college classes and live with their parents, so they're probably supposed to be 20ish. Mona and Liz just like to dress in black, recite bad poetry, and get wasted. Melissa, however, is a true believer; seriously depressed, she really wants to get turned into a vampire so she can escape her crappy, no-prospects life. She keeps trying rituals to summon vampires; the others go along with them to make her feel better, but Melissa gets more and more depressed when the summonings don't work. Her luck takes a turn, though, when a creepy guy lures her into his garage sale and sells her a copy of the Necronomicon. After stopping to randomly make out with Mona, she grabs her friends, the book, and a bunch of booze and they all head out to Massacre Lane for their weekly attempt to raise the dead. This week's ritual involves an open fire, the requisite alcohol, readings from the Necronomicon, and rather a lot of Melissa making out with Mona in front of her boyfriend, who doesn't seem to mind. Good news: the ritual works and the gang raises Giovanni and his minions. Bad news: these are Nosfaratu-style vampires, not hot, broody Anne Rice-style vampires. While the heroes run, the vamps kill the local bullies -- I legitimately have no idea whether they're supposed to be creepy older guys harassing the heroes or the popular kids at school. Whatever, they're dead now. Melissa and Mona get possessed by slutty vamp spirits. Kent gets killed. Liz flees, trips, and somehow gets possessed by Longshank. Suddenly competent, she rounds up Ted, de-possesses Liz, and organizes them to fight back. Unfortunately, Count Giovanni has Melissa and plans to make her his bride. Even worse, when a vampire takes a bride, every vampire who's ever been killed comes back to life, which sounds like some kind of scam by the caterer to inflate the bill for the reception if you ask me. There is an epic (okay, "epic") battle in which the vampires are defeated and everybody dies but Longshank/Liz and Melissa. Also unfortunately, Longshank's spirit doesn't vacate Liz's body after the fight is over, leaving her permanently possessed by the spirit of a dead Englishman. Fortunately, Melissa's gay and, while Liz may not have liked girls, Longshank does, so the two drive off into the sunrise to live happily, if extremely creepily, ever after.
Greg Pearson
