Not to be confused with the 2004 Lorenzo Lamas vs. dinosaurs movie Raptor Island, this is the 2013 Lorenzo Lamas vs. dinosaurs movie Raptor Ranch. When mysterious deaths plague a rural Texas community, Mulderseque FBI agent Lorenzo Lamas and his Scullyesque partner are sent to investigate. They search the crime scene, note the mauled condition of the body, find the suspiciously saurian tracks, and collect DNA evidence to give to the requisite sexy CSI tech. A couple hours later, she calls excitedly from her lab to tell Lorenzo that the samples came back positive for dinosaur! Armed with this knowledge, Lorenzo and his partner check into a cheap motel and sleep through the rest of the movie. Meanwhile, just outside of town, a waitress's car breaks down on her way to truck stop where she works and she's forced to accept a ride from her boss, a sleazier, less appetizing version of Boss Hogg. Meanwhile again, a failing musician and his two backup singers (the slutty one and the goth one) also break down, but manage to just barely coast into Boss Hogg's truck stop. Meanwhile yet again, a trio of particularly obnoxious frat boys on their way to a spring break ski trip run out of gas and just barely manage to coast into Boss Hog's truck stop. Alas, Boss Hogg sold all his gas to the crazy old reclusive retired professor who lives on a ranch outside of town and needed it to power his generators. The frat boys are stuck until the gas truck arrives tomorrow. Feeling rather put out by this, a couple of the frat boys head off to the professor's ranch to see if they can cadge some gas, while the third frat boy stays behind to make out with the slutty backup singer, and Boss Hogg knocks off for the evening. Alas, by the time they've walked to the ranch, the professor has died of old age. They wander around for a bit, fail to get gas, and succeed in releasing the professor's retirement project -- a barn full of dinosaurs. They escape by finding the waitress's car and driving it (wait, wasn't it broken down?) back to her trailer. In case you were wondering, manufactured housing stands up about as well to dinosaurs as it does to tornados. While they're getting eaten in the mobile home, some other dinosaurs attack the truck stop and kill a bunch of people there, too. The survivors of the mobile home flee (on foot) back to the truck stop (wait, don't you have to drive between those locations?), collect the survivors, and take the band's tour bus (wait, wasn't it broken down?) into town, which is mysteriously deserted for reasons that are never explained. They hole up in a hardware store for a while, consider arming themselves, but decide not to bother. Meanwhile, the producers realize that Lorenzo Lamas isn't coming to save anyone and these clowns have no chance against an army of dinosaurs, so the dinos turn on each other until there's only one survivor. The surviving dino chases the surviving humans out of the hardware store and to a nearby abandoned factory, where the heroes cleverly climb a ladder to escape to an inaccessible upper floor, where the dinosaur immediately appears and attacks them. After running around the factory for a really, really, really long time, the final girl finally finds a cache of leftover explosives which she sets off, killing the dinosaur, demolishing the factory, and waking up Lorenzo Lamas, who shows up to pick up the pieces.
Smithee Award Nominations
| Oblivious | |
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Do I Have To Do Everything? Why do I have to do everything? Close the damn door yourself.
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| "Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw" | |
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Convenient Explosives Wake Lorenzo Lamas and Friend Convenient explosives create a bang big enough to wake Lorenzo Lamas and his friend. And then blow up the whole warehouse.
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| Acting Appropriately Stupid | |
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You WON'T Shoot Its Eye Out! The overconfident frat-bro Titty-Man takes on a T-Rex with costume armor and a BB gun.
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Directors
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Cast
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