Captain Battle  (2013)
Nomination Year: 2026
SYNOPSIS: 

This movie is absolutely not a Captain America ripoff. Sam Battle is a soldier in Afghanistan. The rest of his platoon thinks he's a wimp who doesn't deserve to be there. That may or may not be true, but when his patrol is ambushed by the Taliban, he's stabbed in the stomach. The wound is a fatal one but fortunately his unit medic, Dr. Brandon Storm, has been working on a super soldier serum in his spare time. With no other hope of saving him from certain death, Dr. Storm injects Sam with the serum.

Three months later, a medically discharged Sam is back in the United States, fully healed, and stronger and buffer than ever. Dr. Storm, also recently discharged, shows up at Sam's house to explain the whole super soldier thing, then invites him to hang out with his sister, intrepid reporter Jane Storm. On the ride home, Jane tells Sam that a reporter at her paper was investigating the recent death of Sam's father as suspicious but was forced to drop the story, for reasons she doesn't know. Sam is skeptical but says he'll think about following up.

Meanwhile, a group of Nazis are kidnapping blonde, blue-eyed strippers to impregnate so that they can abort the fetuses and harvest their stem cells for their Hitler resurrection project. The Nazis are lead by The Necromancer, a magician who walks around in an open trenchcoat and underwear, apparently thinking she's one of the Nazis in Flash Future Kung Fu (fortunately, the other Nazis just wear jeans and sweatshirts). Once a suitable body is created, she'll use her magic powers to infuse it with Hitler's soul, at which point they can activate the sleeper agents she's seeded throughout government, business, law enforcement, and the press and take over America to create the Fourth Reich. The body creation part isn't going so well, though. If only they had a super soldier serum...

The next morning, Sam and Jane go to pick up her brother, only to find him missing and his place trashed. They report this to the police, who seem uninterested. At a loss as to what else to do, they go to see the other reporter about Sam's father. The reporter explains that Sam's father was a super hero, Captain Battle, who took down the criminals the cops were too corrupt to touch. The reporter was his best friend and primary source of information. A few months ago, he was killed while investigating a Nazi conspiracy to take over the world, but the cops -- whose leadership is mostly Nazi agents -- covered it up. Still, if Sam can gather enough evidence and present it publicly enough, the cops will be forced to investigate to avoid blowing their cover. He also gives Sam his dad's old superhero costume.

Meanwhile, The Necromancer demands that Dr. Storm turn over his formula and assist her on the resurrection project. He refuses. Sam and Jane head home, not noticing the vehicle sinisterly stalking them. Or at least, as sinister as you can be in a Honda Element. Sam may have superstrength, but the Nazis have the, er, Element of surprise and manage to knock him out and kidnap Jane. As soon as they have her, Dr. Storm caves immediately and gets to work on the resurrection project. They're not actually starting with Hitler, though. To make sure the process actually works as intended, they're first going to bring back Heinrich Himmler, presumably because even the Nazis don't care if they fuck up bringing him back. This proves to be a good move because the process does not, in fact, work perfectly. While Himmler is indeed brought back to life, his, er, cranium turns a deep, erm, crimson. Still, they do manage to fit him out in a snazzy trenchcoat (and even let him wear actual clothes under it), so it's not a total loss.

Desperate for leads on Jane, Dr. Storm, or his father's killers, Steve puts on his dad's costume -- a blue sweatshirt with a big white star in the center, blue pants, red shin guards, and a jaunty eye patch (no, his vision is fine, or at least it was before he covered up one eye and killed his depth perception) -- and goes out beating up Nazis. This is cathartic but doesn't give him much in the way of actionable intelligence, since none of the Nazis will actually talk. Eventually, though, he pisses them off enough that they decide he needs to be stopped. Heinrich Himmler drives up in a Honda Element (I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in human history to write those words). The villain with the crimson cranium catches Captain Battle asleep (pro tip: don't use your real name as your superhero ID), brains him with a lead pipe, bundles him into the Honda Element, and takes him back to the Nazi base for The Necromancer to taunt. Despite the severe taunting, Captain Battle is able to use his super powers to escape and, now that he's finally found the Nazi base (oops), frees his friends and calls in the cops, who shoot most of the Nazis. Captain Battle, of course, takes down the crimson craniumed Himmler himself. But The Necromancer announces this is only a temporary setback, since she still has the serum and agents everywhere. She just has to work the bugs out and then she'll be back to bring about the Fourth Reich. And with that, she drives off into the night in her, snicker, Honda Element.

Greg Pearson
Smithee Award Nominations
Most Ludicrous Premise
Raise the Bismarck, Er, I Mean Fuhrer!
Nazi necromancers are going to raise Hitler, then attack China to start WWIII.
Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!
Worst Special Effect
Not So Much a Car on Fire as a Fire on Car
Rocket launcher causes CGI fire to be superimposed over car.
Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!
Worst Acting
Jenny Allford as the Necromancer
Jenny Allford as the Necromancer.
Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!
Worst Picture
Let's Meet over Cocktails
Captain Battle interrupts some Nazis loading molotov cocktails into their Honda Element and they, er, "fight." Sam Battle learns his dad's history.
Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!
Directors
Director Claim to Fame
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Cast
Actor Character Claim to Fame
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