Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)
The Return of the Roller Blade Seven
Nomination Year: 2026
SYNOPSIS:
Saint O'ffender, embodiment of Evil and of the Dark Side, seeks to tempt and corrupt Hawk, greatest disciple of Donaldo, leader of the Master of Light Institute. They... Uh. He... Crap.
IS THIS EVEN A MOVIE?!
This is nothing more than an unwatchable cesspool of stream-of-consciousness vignettes, each with its own title card, no less. Pointless fights interspersed with gratuitous nudity mixed with philosophical debates and punctuated with this DAMNED GUY IN THE DESERT PLAYING THE BONGOS! THE WHOLE MOVIE IS A 'WANNA RUN' WRAPPED IN A 'WHAT?!' DOTTED WITH 'LET'S UP THE RATING' SPRINKLES!
*ahem*
All right.
I feel better now.
*deep breath*
And when all was said and done, the Roller Blade Seven triumphed once more, captured and reformed O'ffender, and restored Donaldo to his rightful throne.
The End.
Bryan "Allen Smithee" Cassidy
Smithee Award Nominations
| "Wanna Run That By Me Again?" |
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Mystical Reflections on the Atomic Tractor and RB7 Explanation What the hell is going on here??
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| "Whoops!" |
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Take Two...Or Is It Three?
Joe Estevez kinda flubs his repentence line...but they could have left it in there; it certainly was no worse than any of his other takes in this flop. But then we hear the director from offscreen say: "Wanna do it again?" (as in "Do you want another take?"), and Joe (the actor, not the character!) says, "Yes, please." And they didn't bother editing it out in post. Cut to the wide shot...and Joe does ANOTHER TAKE.
Wow.
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| "WHAT?!" |
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Zem Bones [Song], but the first minute or so is a good WHAT?! I mean, so is the rest of the movie. But I wanted you to hear this.
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| "Let's Up The Rating To 'R'" |
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Let's Up the Rating to WHAT?! Cut to: Bongos and boobies! In the desert! Why? Dunno.
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| Worst Acting |
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Joe Estevez Doing His Thing Estevezing all over the joint!
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Joe Estevez on Life...and Probably on Something Else What were these people smoking? This performance deserves the nod. Ulch.
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| Worst Picture |
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Everybody REALLY WAS Kung Fu Fighting, for No Reason! I have no idea who's fighting or why. Typical for this movie.
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FUCK YOU, Arm in the Frame! You see the camera operator's arm sweep up on the left side of the frame. A big FUCK YOU to the audience.
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Cast
| Actor |
Character |
Claim to Fame |
 Scott Shaw |
Hawk |
Not the comic book writer/artist, this one is the filmmaker/martial artist. |
| Donald G. Jackson |
Donaldo (uncredited) |
as an actor, he's a good director |
 Joe Estevez |
Saint O'ffender |
Martin Sheen's brother, making him
Charlie Sheen's and Emilio
Estevez's uncle; he plays a lot of
bit parts, occasional leads like
in Soultaker.
Sometimes billed as "Joe Phelan." |
 Allison Coleman |
Stella Speed |
Did her time with Scott Shaw in his
Roller Blade Seven flicks,
then went on to produce "The Amazing
Race," "America's Next Top Model," and
"Undercover Boss." Glad she learned her
lesson. |
| Don Stroud |
Conga Man |
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| Karen Black |
Tarot |
from Easy Rider to Stripping For Jesus, she has a long & varied movie career |
| Frank Stallone |
Black Knight |
younger brother of "Rocky" & "Rambo" himself, Sylvester Stallone |
 William Smith |
Pharoah |
NOT Will Smith. This guy is a big
bruiser
who played Falconetti on "Rich Man,
Poor
Man" (NOT "Falcon Eddie" as the cover
of Angels Die
Hard would have you believe). He
also portrayed "Kimo"
Carew on "Hawaii Five-O,"
and
fought with Clint Eastwood in Any
Which
Way You Can. |
© 1992-2026 Bryan D. Cassidy and Greg Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
