Curse of the Cannibal Confederates (1982)
Curse of the Confederate Cannibals
The Curse of the Screaming Dead

Nomination Year: 2014
SYNOPSIS:  My primary take-away from this? There were quite a few scenes of people in zombie makeup standing around and chewing on entrails while the soundtrack went "Nyar nyar nyar nyarm."

Three couples go on a hunting trip. The guys (Wyatt, Mel, Bill) are jerks, and the girls (Sarah, Lin, Blind Kiyomi) are slightly-more-subtle jerks. Blind Kiyomi is, in fact, blind. They never give her a gun.

They take a new trail, run across the ruins of a church (where Confederate soldiers were tortured to death), and its graveyard (where they were buried). They find a trove of artifacts, and consider taking the Confederate flag, but decide to leave it. After all, as Kiyomi and Lin quote their grandmother, who died from atomic radiation at Hiroshima: "You can take anything from the dead ... but their pain!"

Sadly, Mel is a bit of a klepto, and takes the diary of the Confederate officer in charge of the unit. The diary detailing the officer's ... that's right, pain. So, the dead rise in a spectacular(*) display of flashbulbs.

The dead start to attack our protagonists, who get to put their explosive bullets and cache of fireworks to the test. These things work great, but there are just too many undead Rebels.

Our heroes(*) flee. They stumble onto some cops, and explain what's happening in alternating longshot-it's-light / closeup-it's-dark sequences. The cops think it's just pranksters, but then the undead Rebs (which would have been a much better name for the movie than any of its actual names) burst out of the woods/darkness and eat the cops. Nyarm nyarm nyarm. They eat slowly, and with due deliberation, and lots and lots (and lots) of mouth noises.

Eventually they start to gnaw away at our hearty band of survivors(*). Finally, right at the point when I can't bear any more damn movie, the Confederate Color Bearer shows up and kills Mel. Then Wyatt gives the diary back to the Officer accompanying the Color Bearer, and all the undead Rebs turn and leave. Only Wyatt and Sarah are left alive, and I suspect they're in for some monster PTSD.

(*)Not really.

"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"

The same is true of the audience.
As the group discusses whether or not to take the authentic Confederate battle flag from the site, Lin and Blind Kiyomi share some wisdom from their grandmother, who died of cancer contracted due to radiation from the bombing of Hiroshima, and who always said: "You can take anything from the dead ... but their pain!"

Smithee Award Winner! "Whoops!"

Day for ... What?!
The cops show up, and the group is glad to see them. In long-shot, it's clearly daytime, and you can see the woods and the sky behind the cops. In close-up, it's pitch-dark behind the cops, with a black background. This might not have been noticeable, except that (a) it's unsubtle, and (b) it's pervasive -- they keep cutting back and forth.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Christopher Gummer Not a toothless Christopher Plummer, he is in fact a different man altogether 
Mark Redfield  
Richard Ruxton  
Director Claim to Fame
Tony Malanowski also known as "Skip" 

Kevin Hogan

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© 2011-2019 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.