Kiss of the Vampire (2009)
Immortally Yours

Nomination Year: 2014
SYNOPSIS:  If you ever felt in the mood to watch a vampire movie which feels for all the world like a Christine Feehan fan-fiction with a very strong Mary-Sue element (the lead actress wrote the script), then I would recommend that you watch Kiss of the Vampire. With alcohol.

Wow. Where to begin with a vampire movie of such vast ... magnitude?

At the opera.

Estelle (Kat Hawks) and her parents and her fiance are at an opera. Estelle's fiance is drunk and derisive. During the opera, across the room, Estelle's eye is caught by a mysterious stranger. After the opera, the fiance gets verbally abusive, the mysterious stranger kicks his ass in a genteel fashion, and then introduces himself as Alex (Daniel Goddard).

Estelle and Alex go to dinner. The fiance is never seen again. Estelle and Alex seem to hit it off, but Alex has to disappear quickly.

The reason Alex has to disappear is because his vampiric buddies are feeding somewhat indiscriminately at a rave when cops bust the place, expecting to find illegal drugs transactions. Instead, Alex has to use his secret special vampire powers to teleport all the vamps away in a burst of mistyness.

Several months pass, and Alex resurfaces at an art gallery where Estelle works. He's looking at a large picture of the sun, and asks to buy it. He also asks Estelle to dinner, but on their way to the restaurant, she's mugged and he is shot -- yet mysteriously unhurt!

Alex's vampire buddy Sebastian (Gary Daniels) is worried about this mysterious woman that has such a strong hold over Alex (this is following his second date). Her father is doing longevity research for a charitable foundation that is a front corporation for ... The Illuminati! The Illuminati are lead by Victor Price (Eric Etebari), who is ruthless -- and they've been using illegal organ harvests to extend their lifespans.

Alex shows up while his fangy buds are talking about him. He thinks it would be appropriate to give vampiric immortality to The Illuminati. But they're just too ruthless. Alex's vampire buds thinks he's nuts. In a fit of pique, he throws them out of his house.

Vampires posture by snarling fangs and making animal noises. It may sound dorky, but it's ten times worse when you see it.

The vampire buddies go out and feed a bit indiscriminately, catching the attention of the cops that Alex spirited them all away from several months previously. They decide to call upon the services of Interpol's #1 Vampire Hunter. We know he's Interpol's #1 Vampire Hunter because (a) the cops say he is, and (b) he has a promotional video that we watch the cops watching.

Alex tells Estelle that he's a vampire, but he wants her father's help to become mortal. Because he's fallen in love, and he cannot be with her unless he's mortal ... or something. That part is implied.

Victor & The Illuminati find out about Alex. Interpol's #1 Vampire Hunter teams up with the cops to kill all the vampires (except Alex), but himself dies in the process.

Estelle's dad discovers that vampirism is like a virus kind of, and just needs to find the perfect antibody in order to cure Alex! The Illuminati intervene, and threaten Serious Unspecific Bad Things unless they're made immortal Real Soon Now.

In a strange double-cross, Alex gives The Illuminati what they want, then teleports their heads into earth orbit (vampire heads in SPAAAAACE!!!!), where he strands them. We hear them growling in fury as shooting stars streak behind them, oblique to the angle of the earth.

With The Illuminati gone, crime on earth plummets, and people live in peace and harmony. Alex somehow is made mortal. The final shot is a freeze-frame of Estelle which wipes to a freeze-frame of the sun painting with an insert shot of Estelle and Alex nearly kissing.

Martin Kove and Phil Fondacaro play small supporting roles (no pun intended).

I cannot overemphasize the sheer clunkiness of the dialogue and exposition in this movie. My favorite quote is "In the last year, there has been a harmony amongst the people of the world since crime has been at an all-time low since the eradication of the Illuminati" -- although the lyric "You turned your face from morbid shadow" (from the "Immortally Yours" song) runs a very close second place.

There is no earthly (or unearthly) reason why this movie could not air on the Lifetime channel.

Most Ludicrous Premise

Pot? This is kettle. You're immortal.
Sebastian no longer trusts Alex's judgment. Alex's girlfriend is the daughter of a scientist working for The Price Foundation (owned by the Illuminati), who are now investigating eternal life. Currently they're randomly harvesting body parts from people in Western countries to extend their lives. The body parts are keeping them alive while they research immortality.

Worst Picture

This ending is all over the place.
Victor Price and his Illuminati Council are confronting Alex and his remaining friends. But Alex has lived up to his bargain, he says, and made them all immortal. Suddenly the cops bust in! Alex takes them all elsewhere ... somewhere outside the Earth's orbit, where they're VAMPIRE ... HEADS ... IN ... SPAAAAAAACE! He explains to them that they're all immortal, but he's going to leave them headless and outside the earth's atmosphere ... forever. His goofy Vamp Head SFX then accelerates back down to Earth while the others snarl and hiss. There are a lot of small touches wrong with this (how do they talk with no atmosphere? how do they not burn up when the sun hits them? why can you see little streaky shooting stars behind them (headed tangentially to the Earth) against the backdrop of space when they're clearly outside the atmosphere?), but the clunky bad touches are about to come.

We next see the two cops in the bar, the female cop badgering her partner to finally propose to her already. A news crew asks if they will be interviewed about The Outcome Of The Illuminati Trials, and they tell him to get lost. Undaunted, he does his "talking head" bit in the bar, and we get an infodump (vampires vanished, Estelle & her father cleared of all charges, Illuminati's money disappeared, "In the last year ... there has been a harmony amongst the people of the world since crime has been at an all-time low since the eradication of the Illuminati."

Next we see Estelle in her large Barbie's Dream house, transferring millions of dollars (of the Illuminati's money) into charitable and scientific institutions. As she walks through the house, the title song ("Immortally Yours") starts to play. With lyrics like "You turned your face from morbid shadow," it's cheery. Estelle walks outside the house, to where someone is painting in the yard (in the daylight). I wonder who it might be? It's Alex! Alex and Estelle smile at each other. Freeze-frame. Screen wipe to the painting of a large sun, with an inset picture of Alex and Estelle kissing ... which thankfully wipes off the screen as credits begin, blessedly, to roll.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Daniel Goddard TV's "Beastmaster" 
Katherine Hawkes wrote (and produced) Kiss of the Vampire 
Eric Etebari "Ian Nottingham" in Witchblade 
Martin Kove This bulbous-nosed slab of meat plays the beefy guy in almost EVERYTHING; you're almost certain to have seen him (e.g., as "Nero the Hero" in Death Race 2000
Costas Mandylor his younger brother Louis was in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 
Gary Daniels Champion kickboxer and karate fighter 
Phil Fondacaro first role was in Under the Rainbow ... stands three feet six inches from head to heel 
Director Claim to Fame
Joe Tornatore  

Kevin Hogan

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