Nomination Year: 2014

SYNOPSIS: Jon Mikl Thor plays John Triton, lead singer of "The Tritons," the heavy metal band that is going to an isolated farmhouse to record its next album. I should note here that Jon Mikl Thor is lead singer of "Thor," and recorded an album of music to accompany the movie.

The farmhouse, alas, is cursed. Cursed with horribly claymated demonic apparitions which ate the previous occupants. The members of The Tritons pair off and have sex, then are picked off one-by-one, replaced with satanic duplicates.

Finally, after John's wife has been turned, Satan Itself (in all its low-rent-claymation Harryhausen-did-it-better glory) shows up to claim John Triton. But in a shocking twist, the trees are trying to kill humanity! Wait, wrong movie. I mean, John Triton was secretly Triton the Intercessor (an archangel), and his band members were merely mental phantasms conjured along the lines of supporting characters from Friday the 13th movies. "I thought that bass player looked familiar," says Satan.

John Triton's hair poofs out to full metal effect, and his hairless bodybuilder chest glistens with the Light of a Thousand Kicker Spotlights, and then Triton and Satan have a knock-down-drag-out Intercessor-on-clay-critter hand-to-"hand" fight, which Triton wins. Satan escapes before Triton can take care of him in a more permanent fashion, and Triton says a little prayer at the graves of the family that was killed in the beginning of the movie ... I think.

But let me repeat that last part in case you missed it. In the climactic fight sequence, John Triton has big '80s-metal hair, and a hairless bodybuilder chest, and basically I found myself giggling through the film's climax. Probably not the emotion that the filmmakers had intended to evoke.

Smithee Award Nominations

Stupidest-Looking Monster
Stupidest-Looking?! That, too. John is writing a song, and menaced by a succession of stupid-looking critters. First it's the reappearance of the "one-eyed monster" from earlier in the film. Then, after defeating it with a Coca-Cola Classic (TM) can, John is menaced by a small worm-with-hands-and-a-pterodactyl-head puppet, which flies at him ... right as he drops his pen.	Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!

"WHAT?!"

Now at last, he has you right where you want him! John is working on his new song. Randy comes upstairs, and starts talking about how everyone is dead, and they're going to die, too! He's having none of it. She reveals that she's actually Satan in disguise. At which point, John starts calling her "Bub" (short for Beelzebub, of course) and explains that actually, everyone present was a distraction that he used to draw Satan out into the open for a direct conflict. It's the least believable reversal of fortune since Dewey defeated Truman.

Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!

Worst Picture

Can I Turn Down the Challenge? It's confrontation time. John Triton stands revealed as The Intercessor, aka The Archangel Triton. He flexes and poses in his teased heavy-metal hair, and throws down with (goofy-looking) Satan. Here's a hint: a lot of posing is involved! The music kicks up a notch (and why not? it's been going pretty much all movie). Time to fight! First, Satan flings these little starfish-shaped things at Triton. Triton ducks most of them, but a few catch him and draw blood. He grimaces and rips one apart. The soundtrack screams, "We accept the challenge!" Then Triton and Satan go hand-to-hand (with disco lighting and a lot of slow spinning dolly moves from the camera). Finally, defeated, Satan disappears in a flash of sparklers fire FX.

Directors

Director	Claim to Fame
John Fasano

Cast

Actor	Character	Claim to Fame
Jon Mikl Thor	<Not Yet in Database>	he was the first Canadian to win both "Mr Canada" and "Mr USA" bodybuilding titles

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