Hillside Cannibals (2006)
Hillside Cannibals: The Legend of Sawney Bean
Tromos Stous Lofous
Nomination Year: 2015
SYNOPSIS: Hillside Cannibals, from the director of that previous Smithee "classic" Transmorphers, can be summed up in one sentence. An unpleasant group of people are hunted, killed, and eaten by an unpleasant group of cannibals.
The leader of the cannibals is named Sawney Bean. Wait a minute, you might say, isn't Sawney Bean (a) from the 16th century, (b) from seaside caves in Scotland, and (c) apocryphal? Very astute, hypothetical reader! You see, the leader of these cannibals is traditionally Sawney Bean because when he dies, his successor cuts his face off and wears it, becoming the new Sawney Bean.
The first group of victims is very obnoxious ("We're sorry your douchebag boyfriend is too much of a pussy to come with us" being a sample line of dialogue), and quickly dispatched of, except for one guy who is captured, and a girl who is allowed to escape by Sympathetic Cannibal(tm). His sister tries to put the moves on him, but Sympathetic Cannibal(tm) is clearly enamored of the Redheaded Girl.
A group of obnoxious motorists are then attacked and killed by the cannibal family. Redheaded Girl rescues her boyfriend. He's been injured, and sends her on ahead to get help while he waits in a cave. Boyfriend is almost immediately recaptured.
Sawney Bean dies of old age, and is succeeded by Sawney Bean. The new Sawney Bean threatens Sympathetic Cannibal(tm) if he doesn't get it on with his sister. We think. Cannibal Tongue consists primarily of grunts, squeaks, howls, and the words "Sawney Bean!"
Redheaded Girl runs into a camouflaged hunter who plans on killing off the cannibals. They sneak in and liberate her boyfriend (who is minus a few fingers at this point). The cannibals catch them. A big fight ensues. A bunch of cannibals are killed. Boyfriend and Camo Hunter are killed. Sawney Bean is killed by Sympathetic Cannibal(tm), who is now Sawney Bean.
Redheaded Girl escapes ... yet again. She makes her way to the sheriff, who promptly turns her over to the cannibals (having struck a bit of a deal with them years ago). He turns her over unhurt, because he knows that Sympathetic-ney Bean has special plans for Redheaded Girl.
And so the film ends as we should have expected all along. Sympathetic-ney Bean does his duty, getting it on with ... his sister, who is wearing Redheaded Girl's face as Redheaded Girl's skinless corpse sits in the corner and glares at us.
If I have saved one person from needlessly watching this movie, then my task has been worth it. Bleah.
Door is ajar. Girl is away.
Redheaded Girl has been caught by the Sheriff, and he's going to take her "back to the station." He puts her in the passenger seat of his station wagon, and as he walks over to the driver's side, she "sneaks" off (by way of opening the door and running away). He notices her absence, and immediately looks around for her in all the wrong directions.
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