Ice Crawlers (2003)
Antarktiki - Ora Miden
Deep Freeze
PĂ©ril de Glace

Nomination Year: 2015
SYNOPSIS:  Ice Crawlers would be a great name for a frozen drink that creeps down your throat slowly, then explodes up your nervous system with a jolt. Or maybe a lime-green slushy with gummy worms inside.

As a drink? Exemplary. As a movie? .......yeah.

A bunch of graduate students and a young hotshot oil driller are being flown to Antarctica as part of some vaguely-defined research mission project thing. The graduate students are excited. The weather is bad. The oil driller doesn't have a lot of book-learning, but he's not afraid to get his hands dirty. The pilot is confident. The professor chaperoning the group seems nervous about something.

They disembark, and almost immediately things start to go wrong. People start to disappear. The grizzled crew doesn't trust the college kids. And worst of all -- every time the young hotshot oil driller (Curtis) comes on screen, a twangy guitar lick plays on the soundtrack. Every. Single. Damn. Time.

Turns out there is a tangled plot afoot for the prof to take a mysterious specimen off-base while remotely setting off an explosion in the "moon pool," which will be blamed on the hotshot young oil driller and the batch of grad students.

And it might have worked, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling ... trilobites. That's right -- the Ice Crawlers are giant trilobites which have been coming up through the moon pool and eating people. At first we thought they were psychic because of this odd flash-frame-flashback thing that happened when they ate somebody -- but no, it was just artistic wankery. Not psychic trilobites, just very large ones.

Carnivorous giant trilobites versus annoying oil driller with super- annoying soundtrack leitmotif. Well, let's be honest -- with the sole exception of the grad student computer geek, every character was highly annoying. I was rooting for a meteor strike, or perhaps a stupendous explosion. By about the twenty-minute mark. There were promising hints at the end the movie ... hints that implied a Godzilla-sized trilobite. But by this time, it was far too late. I only wanted the movie to end, 80 minutes of my life back, and something Very Bad Indeed to happen to everyone involved.

Stupidest-Looking Monster

Update gets Trilobit.
Update is in the hallway, and one of his co-workers has just died in his arms. He looks up, and an oil-rig worker thrashes around, being attack by a giant rubber trilobite. Update runs for the elevator, pursued by the rubber trilobite. He gets it, but the "Door Close" button does not engage in time, and he is overtaken by the giant rubber trilobite.

Crummiest Ending

I'm confused -- which one was the memorable ending?
They're running out of the complex, chased by a giant rubber trilobite. It catches Curtis, and he falls off the stairway. The grad student saves him by blowing it away with a shotgun. Whew; safe! Earthquake! A giant CGI effect trilobite emerges from the moon pool. The shotgun doesn't faze it. The last oil rig worker stays behind to trigger a bunch of explosives that were left behind. The complex shakes, and rubble falls on our two survivors. Curtis is traumatized -- he'll have to tell the good old boys at the shitkicker bar how his ass got saved by a college girl. Cut to: rubble. A tentacle waves. Credits!

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
David Millbern  
Brad Sergi  
Director Claim to Fame
John Carl Buechler Did FX, mostly, but stopped long enough to direct some real feces...and when you say his last name, horses rear 

Kevin Hogan

To the Film Gallery Return to Lobby
[Smithee Film Gallery] [Return to Lobby]

© 2011-2019 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.