Princess of Mars  (2009)
The Martian Colony Wars
Nomination Year: 2016
SYNOPSIS: Do you like gladiator movies, Billy?

What's that? You're tired of all those movies about Hercules, Goliath, and Maciste?

What about science fiction, Billy? How about movie adaptations of classic science fiction stories by The Asylum (the makers of Transmorphers)?

You do, but only if they feature Antonio Sabato, Jr, and Traci Lords in a modern updating of a classic Edgar Rice Burroughs tale?

Well, Billy, have I got just the thing for you!

John Carter (Antonio Sabato, Jr.) is a sniper for the United States military, stationed in Afghanistan. An op goes a bit awry, and John Carter finds himself on a gurney, nearly dead.

He has been backed up to a 16-GB USB drive, and he's going to be teleported to Mars. Not our Mars, of course, but "Mars 216" in the Alpha Centauri system. Hand waving explanations aside, and John Carter shows up naked (apparently his tattoos were backed up as well).

He is captured by some Thargs, which are tall and bestial (but were neither forewarned nor four-armed). They give him a towel, and test him in combat. It turns out that John Carter has some special powers because the -- well, it's never explained. He's exceptionally strong ... and he can jump incredibly far.

Yes, this is a movie where the hero has Superjump, and gets the most out of it.

John Carter fights some critters (Giant Flying Ants called "The Spiderlings"), captures The Princess of Mars (Traci Lords), and eventually helps her defeat Sarka, the would-be Afghan poppy smuggler who was sent over with John.

Sarka also has Superjump, and the climactic Boss Fight takes place inside an open-air multi-story Pumping Station (after Sarka has blown up the fusion reactor which powers the plot device ancient technology which keeps the atmosphere intact). There is a lot of sword fighting, and much jumping. Superjumping.

And at the very end, John Carter finds himself sucked back up the teleportation tube to Afghanistan, where he has survived the night, and is sent right back out on active duty. Isn't that an awesome ending, Billy? Billy?

...Billy, where are you going? I haven't told you yet about the low-angle shot where John Carter's wearing a towel and you can see his....
Kevin Hogan
Smithee Award Nominations
Smithee Award Winner!MegaMetaSmithee Award Winner! Worst Science
We're sending you to Mars 216...all your data is stored on this 16 GB Thumb Drive
Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!
Director Claim to Fame
Mark Atkins also cinematographer, editor, co-writer, and visual effects on Princess of Mars 
Actor Character Claim to Fame
Antonio Sabato, Jr. <Not Yet in Database> Hunk action figure was Jagger Cates on General Hospital; much famouser son of Smithee-movie-vet father 
Traci Lords <Not Yet in Database> Ex-porn-star turned sci-fi and Bad Movie Vixen 
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