The Roller Blade Seven  (1991)
Nomination Year: 2016
SYNOPSIS: Of all the Scott Shaw films I have seen (with or without Donald G. Jackson), this one is the acme of Zen Filmmaking.

I use the word acme instead of zenith because I want you to think of Wile E. Coyote -- the same crazed anarchy of those cartoons is on display inside this film, or as I call it in my notes, One Fucked-Up Random Encounter Table.

The reason this movie works so well as a movie instead of just a manifesto is because the framework upon which the random encounters are hung is solid, and all of the Zen stuff is done within that structure.

The basic story is: Our Hero (Hawk, played by Scott Shaw) is given a Quest by Father Donaldo (Donald G. Jackson). He gathers a group around him (the psychic says she sees "a Samurai, a Passive, a Clown," which doesn't really add up to Seven, but what the heck).

People roller skate through culverts a lot in this movie. A guy in samurai armor. A guy playing the banjo. The Big Bopper. Kabuki the Clown. The Black Knight. The shadow of the cameraman (Whoops!).

The phrase "Martial Arts Free-For-All with Banjo" is another one that appears in my notes. There is random nudity. Hawk fights a ninja. There are random banjos. We get to see that camera shadow again (it's darn near everywhere).

There are jarring music transitions, and we are in The United Skates of America. Father Donaldo talks to us about time. Hawk succeeds in his mission, and gets married. And then gets killed. Or maybe not. But in any case, there's The Pride of the Yankees. Repetitively.

It features almost all of our favorite Don Jackson / Scott Shaw actors: Scott Shaw, Frank Stallone, Don Stroud, Joe Estevez, and even Donald G. Jackson himself. Everybody but Robert Z'Dar.

Looking through my notes, there are 8 categories where I do not see a potential Smithee nomination (Oblivious, Deus Ex Machina, Stupidest-Looking Monster, Worst Science, Best One-Liner*, Worst Cover Copy, Cutting Butter with a Chainsaw, Acting Appropriately Stupid*). But let's be honest -- any movie that begins with Bad Acting at 0 minutes and ends with a Crummy Ending, and yet is still highly enjoyable ... is a total Win.

(* Perhaps I did not look hard enough.)
Kevin Hogan
Smithee Award Nominations
Most Ludicrous Premise
A Samurai, a passive, a clown
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"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
Don Jackson on Time
Don Jackson gives a rambling, incomprehensible speech on the nature of, I dunno, time or something, I guess.
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"Alas, Poor Yorick"
"I hate banjos!"
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"WHAT?!"
Big Bopper & thru Kabuki (& banjo?)
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Smithee Award Winner!MegaMetaSmithee Award Winner!Ye UltraMegaMetaSmithee Award Winner! Crummiest Ending
Repetitive Pride of the Yankees & our heroes are both dead ... maybe (???)
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Smithee Award Winner!MegaMetaSmithee Award Winner! Worst Picture
Martial-Arts Free-For-All with Banjo
Martial Arts Free-For-All, with Banjo Accompanyment. In an aqueduct. On roller skates.
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Directors
Director Claim to Fame
Donald G. Jackson aka "Maximo T. Bird" when he felt like it 
Cast
Actor Character Claim to Fame
Scott Shaw <Not Yet in Database> Not the comic book writer/artist, this one is the filmmaker/martial artist. 
Frank Stallone <Not Yet in Database> younger brother of "Rocky" & "Rambo" himself, Sylvester Stallone 
Karen Black <Not Yet in Database> from Easy Rider to Stripping For Jesus, she has a long & varied movie career 
Don Stroud <Not Yet in Database>  
William Smith Pharoah NOT Will Smith. This guy is a big bruiser who played Falconetti on "Rich Man, Poor Man" (NOT "Falcon Eddie" as the cover of Angels Die Hard would have you believe). He also portrayed "Kimo" Carew on "Hawaii Five-O," and fought with Clint Eastwood in Any Which Way You Can
Joe Estevez <Not Yet in Database> Martin Sheen's brother, making him Charlie Sheen's and Emilio Estevez's uncle; he plays a lot of bit parts. 
Roger Ellis <Not Yet in Database> looks a lot like a low-rent David Carradine 
Donald G. Jackson <Not Yet in Database> as an actor, he's a good director 
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