Alien 3000 (2004)
Unseen Evil 2

Nomination Year: 2012
SYNOPSIS:  This is another Lorenzo Lamas movie, but I'm not going to do the double-l thing this time. You're welcome.

A group of college students are hiking in a remote forest, when an earthquake opens a nearby cave entrance. Investigating the cave, they find a treasure in gold. They attempt to remove the treasure and are killed by the monster guarding it.

Correctly suspecting that whatever's going on is much worse than the typical serial killer or animal attack, the military quietly sends in an elite special forces team to investigate. They discover that the alien is both invisible and nigh-invulnerable and are slaughtered to a man.

A group of paranormal investigators also suspect that whatever's going on merits investigation. They don't have an elite special forces team, so they hire a bunch of psychotic and unreliable mercenaries. But they also know one thing the spec forces guys didn't: there was an earlier attack years before and that attack had a surviver. Her name is Kate and she's confined to a psych ward. But she's not insane; she's just psychically connected to the monster. The paranormal investigators bust her out of the psych ward, round up their mercs, and head out to the forest to investigate.

Meanwhile, special forces officer Lorenzo Lamas and his partner Guy Who's Not Lorenzo Lamas are detailed to a secret government lab where an alien is being detained. The scientist in charge of the lab tells them that this alien is probably related to the missing spec forces team. Then the alien escapes and Lorenzo and Not Lorenzo have to blow up the lab to save the lab. That done, it's time to hop in a chopper and fly out to the forest to try to track down what happened to the missing team.

Back in the other sub-plot, the paranormal investigators and their pet mercs find the cave and the treasure. The mercs figure they've just hit the jackpot, but Kate convinces the investigators that if they take the treasure they'll be killed by monsters, and the mercs are ordered to leave it alone. Instead, everybody goes and makes camp outside the cave. After some kinky sex, some of the mercs decide that this is a stupid plan, so they kill most of the investigators and go back to the cave to steal and steal the treasure. This pisses off the alien, who comes down to the camp and kills a bunch more of them.

Fortunately, at this point Lorenzo and Not Lorenzo show up in their helicopter. Yay! Rescue! Then the alien shoots down the helicopter. But, at least the two sub-plots can finally merge. However, Kate and what remains of her party are unable to find the giant burning helicopter wreck a couple hundred feet from them and instead wander off in the other direction, trying to hike out of the forest on their own. The alien follows and picks them off one by one. Lorenzo and Not Lorenzo follow the alien, which ambushes and kills Not Lorenzo. Finally, Lorenzo catches sight of Kate and the surviving mercs and the alien kills him in a desperate, but successful, bid to make his sub-plot completely irrelevant to the rest of the movie.

All that remains is the climactic final showdown where the alien kills the surviving mercs before getting offed by Kate, who returns to civilization just in time to see the rest of the alien invasion force land.

Smithee Award Winner! Oblivious

No Shit.
The scientist is going off to answer the call of nature. The crazy commando is so good, she can stalk her target by walking in plain sight. And to add insult, after he squats down, she steals his toilet paper.

Stupidest-Looking Monster

It's not easy being green. And stupid.
"Did you see that fucked-up looking thing?"
Unfortunately, I did.
It doesn't help that it's invisible, and they needed paintball paint to make it visible -- albeit green.

"Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw"

Putting the "oo" in "Boom."
Lorenzo and Not Lorenzo kill an alien the old-fashioned and subtle way ... a grenade and some liquid oxygen. Levels the building.

Inane Dialogue

Six Inane Things Before Breakfast.
The inane just keeps coming. Any one of these lines could be a winner, but there's like six of them in a row.
"There's something in here with us." No shit.
"It's just the wind." Yeah, right.
"There's something down there." No shit.
"It's coming this way." No shit.
"It's just a bat." Yeah, right.
"Something just cut me!" No shit.

Worst Special Effect

Should Have Thrown More Green At The Green Screen.
Lorenzo's helicopter gets shot down by a jumping alien. In addition to the "special" alien effect, there is a special greenscreen effect, and there are explosions. Even one where you can see the crane that is holding the helicopter while it explodes in "mid-air."

Crummiest Ending

Was it all a dream? No, an invasion.
The alien is defeated and the heroine returns to civilization just in time for the full-scale invasion. She laughs hysterically. We weep and check imdb for the inevitable sequel.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Lorenzo Lamas Martial artist action figure who played TV's Renegade, and also "SnakeEater" from the films of the same name 
Director Claim to Fame
Jeff Leroy  

Greg Pearson

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© 2011-2019 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.