Bloodz vs. Wolvez (2006)

Nomination Year: 2012
SYNOPSIS:  From the people who brought you Vampiyaz and Zombiez (but, oddly, not Cryptz) comes Bloodz vs. Wolvez. Given the microscopic budget, the fact that the other film credits of the writer/director are things like Play-Mate of the Apes and Lust in Space, and the fact that this is the only film credit for many of the actors, I was a little concerned that this wouldn't live up to even the Smithees' low standards for inclusion. If we hadn't already done Vampiyaz, I might have skipped this entirely. And I was right to be worried. This only barely qualifies as a Smithee movie. It's very, very, very close to being too good.

The plot is your typical mafia vs. street gang movie. The vampire Bloodz and the werewolf Wolvez have been enemies throughout history. The Bloodz were ancient Egyptian royalty; they have wealth, power, and move easily through the mortal world, pulling the strings of the lesser beings they feed on. The Wolvez are poor and ghetto; they've checked out of the mortal world, living on their own in abandoned buildings and having use for mortals only as victims.

But now Vampire king Asiman wants to move into Wolve territory -- and he wants to do it peacefully. He invites Wolve leader Loup Garou to peace talks. In exchange for letting the Bloodz into their territory, the Wolves will get money, legitimacy, and jobs. It's supernatural gentrification at its finest. Loup is skeptical but, like Asiman, he's sick of war and lets himself be talked into it.

Unfortunately for the two leaders, neither gang is really buying it. Asiman's actually a commoner who only got to be leader of the Bloodz by marrying royalty -- and his wife is sleeping with his (female) chief lieutenant behind his back. They plot to antagonize the Wolvez and bring him down. Meanwhile, the Wolve rank-and-file is spoiling to be antagonized.

Rogue Bloodz raid a Wolve hideout and kill a couple Wolvez. Rogue Wolvez sabotage a Blood gentrification project. The leaders reassert their authority and hastily negotiate before things get out of hand. Asiman delivers the Wolvez their promised jobs and legitimacy -- he buys a nightclub and hands it over to them to use as their lair. Peace is restored... until the Blood lieutenant leads a raid on the club that kills Loup's brother. Now it's on.

The Wolvez raid the Bloodz's blood bank and poison the blood supply, killing a bunch of vampire elders. Then they raid the Bloodz's bank, wiping them out financially and leading to an amusing aside where Asiman angrily (and accurately) lectures a subordinate about FDIC insurance limits and the economics of debt-financed real estate acquisition. If you ever wanted to learn about federal banking insurance limitations from a vampire, this is the movie for you! The lieutenant leads an armed revolt against Asiman and lots of Bloodz are killed in internecine warfare. The survivors head to the club for a final confrontation with the Wolves, and everybody dies. The end.

But, much to my surprise, most of the one-shot wonders appearing in this film are actually fairly decent actors. And Malik Burke, who played Loup, stole the show; he really deserved to have a real film career. The dialog was well-written and witty, nobody acted appropriately stupid, and plot developments were actually thought out (what other film bank robbery do you remember that references the FDIC?).

As you would expect from the budget, the special effects are horrible -- in the big fight scenes, the only way to tell the two sides apart are that the Bloodz are dressed like mobsters and the Wolvez are dressed like rappers; the vampire and werewolf makeup is almost identical. Given the limitations they had to work with, I'll give them that one. But giving the Blood rank-and-file names like Drac and Vlad, while the Wolve foot soldiers are Rover and Lobo? Rover??? Seriously? And while the individual scenes were very well written, the script as a whole was painfully predictable; by 10 minutes in, you could write a plot outline for the whole rest of the movie. Given how well crafted each individual scene was, that just made the overall lameness of the plot all the more painful. As is the Hamlet ending. And don't even get me started on the werewolf rap.

So, it is a Smithee movie. But it's as good a movie as you'll ever see in the Smithees.

Oblivious

Marco! *Smek*lo!
The vampire leader's wife is cheating on him with his lieutenant behind his back. Literally. If he'd just turn around, he'd see them. They even look up from their makeout session occasionally to keep up their end of the conversation he's having with them.

Deus Ex Machina

Loose Lips, Pink Slips
Asiman's lieutenant is hunting him down, and shooting at him. "I just killed all your minions. BANG! I'm taking over your empire. BANG! I'm going to reverse all your policies. BANG! I'm doing your wife. click" ...and she's out of bullets.

Best One-Liner

Works with Leprechauns, too!
The renegade Bloodz discuss how to kill Wolvez. Silver? Wolfsbane? Holding them down and cutting off their dicks!

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Malik Burke  
Director Claim to Fame
John Bacchus writer/director of such glistening cinematic excrescence as this movie, Kinky Kong, and Batbabe: The Dark Nightie, it's no wonder that he uses multiple pseudonyms 

Greg Pearson

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