SYNOPSIS: A new mob is moving into town, one headed by an Asian woman who has (we are told) brainwashed three of the most skilled martial-artists in the world by means of a drug that apparently not only mind-controls them, but makes them bulletproof. They are...the Death Machines! The "hero" (who doesn’t appear until a half-hour into the thing) basically doesn’t do anything more than get his hand cut off, have a contrived, lackluster romance with a nurse, and then does his heroic thing: He follows the bad guys to their hideout and calls the cops. The Death Machines, reunited after a brief separation where one was captured and had to fight his way out of police custody, elude the police, kill their masters, and strike out on their own...where will they surface next? Ooooo...
Bryan Cassidy
Smithee Award Nominations
Oblivious
Killdozer, the Prequel
A sloooooow death by bulldozer in a phone booth. He could have seen it at any time. Nope. He could have left the booth at any time. Nope.
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"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
<Insert Love Interest Here>
This conversation starts in Awkward Town and zooms quickly to Incomprehensiville. “I found my way in by myself.” Whut? Later: “Just when I’ll get used to you, you’ll get used to yourself.” Huh??
"Alas, Poor Yorick"
ZAP, You’re Dead! No, Wait, I’M Dead!
Death Machines are ordered to kill an experienced sensei, and have no witnesses. So of course they decide on a full frontal assault on his dojo during class—I guess “no witnesses” meant “LEAVE no witnesses” to them. Huge massacre. Fakey fights like nothing else. Not-even-close deaths. Dumb fake hand gets cut off (you can see the sagging sleeve just before). THEN: The huge, super-tough master sensei target ELECTROCUTES HIMSELF BY ACCIDENT.
Worst Cover Copy
They've Got You Covered
The cheesy cover of Death Machines.
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"Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw"
Put THIS in Your Pipe and Smoke It!
Pipe guy. So focused on his hit he doesn’t hear the car come up behind him and the guys assembling a BAZOOKA. BOOOOOM!
"WHAT?!"
My Gun Fu Is Stronger Than Yours!
Clearly a martial arts competition. The pairs of combatants are well-matched. One guy, though, gets the prize for expedience and resourcefulness: He draws a gun and BLAM! Instructor: “Guns…that’s brilliant! Why are we still using Kung Fu again?”
