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Afghan Knights (2007)

Nomination Year: 2015
SYNOPSIS:  Sgt. Pepper (yeah, really) is an ex Navy SEAL and former mercenary. A year ago, his mercenary team got their asses kicked in Afghanistan, resulting in a few deaths and Pepper's brother-in-law going MIA. Now, Pepper is a drunken, divorced PTSD case. But his former boss is offering a contract that pays $150,000 to help an Afghan warlord get out of the country. Even better, it's near where BiL went MIA, so Pepper can do a little looking for him while he's there.

Pepper agrees and gets the band back together. Turns out they're all substance-abusing PTSD cases with broken relationships, an unexpectedly sensitive anti-war sentiment that will be completely ignored once the "assembling the team" phase of the movie is over. At their meeting point in Pakistan, their boss sticks them with Nash, a British substance-abusing PTSD case. He also announces that he needs to stay behind to coordinate things, by which he means "spend the next week having non-stop sex with a Pakistani woman who doesn't even rate a line of dialog."

They head for the Afghan border, where their bribe money proves insufficient and Nash kills a bunch of Pakistani border guards, ensuring that they'll have to seek an alternate route home. They pick up the warlord and his wife and head north for the Uzbek border. Unfortunately, during a potty break, their convoy is destroyed by a CIA drone strike and they're forced to hide in a cave, the entrance to which immediately gets collapsed by the drone strike, trapping them underground.

Even worse, the cave complex is haunted by Mongol warriors. See, it turns out that the real reason behind both last year's mission and this one is that the boss somehow knows the immensely valuable arrows of Genghis Khan are hidden in this cave and the whole thing is a ruse to get the unwitting (except for Nash) team to go there and recover them. Unfortunately, the arrows also contain the vengeful spirits of Genghis and his warriors and will try to kill anybody who gets close.

Will they find the missing brother-in-law? Can the mercs evade the marauding Mongol warriors? Will the boss ever stop having sex long enough to organize their rescue? Does anyone actually care at this point? I think we all know the answers to those questions.

"Alas, Poor Yorick"

Afghan Knights: Runsinto the wall

"Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw"

Afghan Knights:"Are you done?" No.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Michael Madsen Handsome actor who played Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs; Cher's half-brother-in-law 
Director Claim to Fame

Greg Pearson

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