Things (1989)
Nomination Year: 2016
SYNOPSIS:
Touted as one of the few examples of the genre known as "Canucksploitation," this Canadian piece of garbage is worse than Bill Shatner’s hairpiece. As near as I can figure out, these two guys head up to their friend's cabin, where the friend's wife lies ill. But there are THINGS in the house, thanks to the Satanic rituals that went down there years before. The rest of the film depicts these guys bumbling about, mumbling strange things, and trying to kill the evil cooties before dying. It doesn't work out so well.
This is a nigh-unwatchable head-scratching, eye-gouging torture device sent to us from our Northern Neighbors. This movie plus Justin Beiber proves that behind their politeness Canadians are secretly Evil.
Bryan Cassidy
Smithee Award Nominations
| Stupidest-Looking Monster |
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Stupidest-Looking Cootie Ever play those Schaper® games like “Don’t Break the Ice,” or “Cooties!” or “Ants in the Pants” or “Don’t Puke on Mama’s Clean Floor?” The bug monster (I’d say “monsters” because it’s implied that there are more, but it looks like they only had the budget to make one) looks like one of those Cooties gone horribly, horribly wrong.
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| "Whoops!" |
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“We’re Almost There We’re Almost There” Clearly this American anchorwoman (actually a porn star) is broadcasting the good ol’ American news, about a Manhattan truck crashing into a “hydro pole,” whatever the hell that is. But the true story is further on. The editing is so atrocious, you hear them say “Well, we’re almost there” twice in a row as they approach the house.
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 Worst Acting |
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A S-story To E-e-e-eassse the Tensssion Don tells a pointless story to console his brother Doug. Really badly. Really pointless. Haltingly. With bad edits. And occasional hair on the camera.
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| Worst Picture |
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Coat in the Freezer and Other Weirdness
Don finds an old cassette tape and it has weird sounds on it. His buddy Fred doesn’t take it seriously. And then goes on to tell the plot of a tragedy that happened to someone who found a cassette tape with Satanic sounds on it.
He says at one point it reminds him of "that movie, you know, the one with all those weird things?"
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"StoveTop? I’m Staying!" The Battle of the stove top, with the Evil Cootie vs. Machete Don.
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© 1992-2024 Bryan D. Cassidy and Greg Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Andrew Jordan
