Alien Prophecy  (2020)
The Oracle
Tagline(s):They Have Always Been Here
Nomination Year: 2023
SYNOPSIS: 

What happens when would-be filmmakers have waaay too much time and money on their hands during a global pandemic? This.

Here, for instance, is a movie called Alien Prophecy with no aliens, and very little prophecy. We'll give them the latter, but you have to watch it like twice before you understand what's going on with the prophecy.

The plot? *deep breath* Here goes: A Hawaiian Ninja assassin who seems to keep finding himself stranded on desert islands works his way up to becoming a member of the dreaded "Shanghai Group," apprently responsible for every major disaster/killing/Bad Thing since Biblical times...and...

Wait, getting ahead of ourselves. Let's go back. Many eons ago, when the Earth was coolilng, an exotic (though not by any means alien) rock plowed into the Moon, creating a vein of what has been described as "a million times more combustible than anything on Earth."

Fast-forward to modern times, where a female jogger falls down while jogging and gains the gift of Prophecy (yeah, just like that). She (apparently) foresees the end of the world because of this moon-substance.

The middle of the film is a patchwork crazy-quilt of locations and name-dropping: Uncharted islands! Iraq! Peru! Shanghai! Every scene a new locale! And a new insane thing happening there. Assassination attempts in the Outback! A firefight with pool cues in Paris! A Kung-Fu-Jitsu duel in God-Knows-Where!

In the end, it turns out Prophecy-Girl was the Hawaiian ninja's Hawaiian sister! And she was able to take the remote control from him and blow up the moon-stuff. World saved. And perhaps the ninja's soul as well...

Got that? Because there's gonna be a quiz later...

Bryan Cassidy
Smithee Award Nominations
Oblivious
Ring Around the Rosie, Assassins Version
Esmerelda is sleeping by the tree and is still alert enough to stop the ninja from taking her weapons..but yet not alert enough to realize her quarry simply ran around the tree...
"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
Existential Conversation on a Bridge
Esmerelda and Valentine meet on a bridge and have a weird conversation that ends with "Do you think they've invented a telescope to see God?" How about inventing one to see the plot?
"WHAT?!"
Hawaiian Ninjas Fight with CGI and Blow Up the Moon
He spouts flame, then asks, "Did you think you were the only Hawaiian ninja?" Well, yeah, KINDA. He defeats her but starts monologuing about sashimi. She shoots a CGI lightning bolt at him, gets the cellphone (remote?) and...blows up the lunar mining colony. At least I think.
Worst Picture
Fight in the Ruins
The female assassin in camo corners our ninja in some ruins. Then, with no warning, spouts FLAMTHROWERS at him! He throws a rock (which she shoots at), then "sneaks" away while she watches. Argh.
Taking a Cue from Her Enemies
Liz uses a lipstick pistol (flash to Kristen Wiig in Dispicable Me 2. trilling "Lipstick Taserrrr!"), created with "Chinese nanotech." What follows is a ridiculous shootout with pool cues. The kind where the bad guys just keep firing at the wall where the good guy isn't.
Directors
Director Claim to Fame
Lawrence Franzen His only director credit. 
Cast
Actor Character Claim to Fame
Brant Gaerlan Akihiko Nimura  
Gisella Ferreira Juliana  
Sarah Attrill Esmeralda  
Barika A. Croom Valentine Cindy on "Heavenly Help: The Web-Series." 
Jamie Gaul Liz  
Eduardo Gonzalez-Muñoz Jason  
Jason Carlage Walter Was "Handsome Scam Victim" in one episode of "Better Call Saul." 
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