Minotaur (2006)

Minotaur (2006)

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(Foreign Titles)

Tagline(s):	Curse the God. Slay the Beast. Become a Legend.
	In His Maze, All Paths Lead To The Grave.
	Curse the god. Slay the beast.

Nomination Year: 2024

SYNOPSIS: The SyFy Channel presents the legend of Theseus and the Minotaur as told by white supremacist Christian nationalists. In snowy northern Greece, a bunch of lily-white teenagers are kidnapped by swarthy warriors from tropical southern Greece to be sacrificed to their false bull god. "Theo" (Tom Hardy, who I have lost a ton of respect for for being in this movie) infiltrates the group, hoping to rescue his girlfriend, who was taken as a sacrifice three years earlier. Given that the average lifespan of a sacrifice is about 20 minutes, this seems (and is) excessively optimistic, but Theo isn't exactly in this for his brains. The black villains rant maniacally. The white heroes are thrown into the minotaur's maze. The black villain marries his sister. The minotaur eats some poor white people, along with a couple black people who totally had it coming. Rutger Hauer makes a cameo brief enough you can hope he didn't know what this movie was. Subtile Christian imagery is used. The epic final battle takes place. The Christian imagery gets mildly less subtile, although the white supremacy does not. Still, if you are the sort of person for whom this kind of thing goes over your head unnoticed, this is quite a fun movie in just the way, say, Ice Soldiers isn't.

Greg Pearson

Smithee Award Nominations

"Alas, Poor Yorick"
Your Plan Is Stupid and I Hate You All Your plan is stupid and I hate you all. I'll just go over here by myself to die.

Stupidest-Looking Monster
Do You Even Know What a Minotaur Is?? I don't want to tell the filmmakers how to do their job. But if you're going to make a movie called Minotaur, maybe get out a dictionary and look up what a minotaur even is?

"Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw"
He Likes His Steak Well Done Theo must like his steak well done, because he uses a flint stone to strike a spark in the gas-filled tunnel...which EXPLODES, destroying the Minotaur, the temple above, and everything in a huge radius (except of course for himself and his female co-star).

Directors

Director	Claim to Fame
Jonathan English	All "Johnny English" jokes aside, he directed Nailing Vienna, the Ironclad movies, and My Husband's Double Life.

Cast

Actor	Character	Claim to Fame
Tom Hardy	Theo	Breakthrough role was Eames in Inception, but has played Bane in The Dark Knight Rises, Eddie Brock/Venom in the later Marvel movies; the title roles in Locke and Mad Max: Fury Road, and Alfie Solomons on "Peaky Blinders." Why is he doing this schlock?
Michelle Van Der Water	Raphaella	Det. Sasha Colfax in Teeth and Blood; Megan in Crosshairs.
Tony Todd	Deucalion	Known as the iconic Candyman. Also played Dan in The Man from Earth, Grange in The Crow, and Ben in Night of the Living Dead.
Lex Shrapnel	Tyro	Played Gilmore Hodge in Captain America: The First Avenger; Ray in Extinction; Leonard Lord on "A Town Called Malice"; and Rinaldo Albizzi on "Medici."
Jonathan Readwin	Danu	Erick in Skater Girl; Jack in Stoner Express; Joshua Shaw in Dread; Charlie Morgan on "Echo Beach."
Rutger Hauer	Cyrnan	Very blond, ruggedly handsome Dutch action star who's extremely prolific in sci-fi and action films, both pretty good and very Bad. Played the main android Roy Batty in Blade Runner, whose ad-libbed "Tears in the Rain" speech will bring you to those tears.


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