Nomination Year: 2025

SYNOPSIS: 

In the far, far future, an alliance of humans and lizardy aliens is at war with aquatic aliens. Captain Jordan Strider is a war hero who gets promoted into special forces and assigned to sneak into the Neutral Zone in a state-of-the-art AI battlesuit to capture some war criminals. Of course the mission goes wrong and Cpt. Strider crashes far from the designated target zone and must make his way across a hostile planet to complete his mission. Of course High Command is hiding something and there's more to the mission than he knows. Of course the suit knows the true mission but is prohibited from telling him. Of course he discovers that he can't remove the suit without a special code he doesn't have. Of course the AI is really, really annoying.

Along the way, he meets a primitive lizard alien woman who is less primitive than she seems and, like everyone else in this movie, knows more about his mission than he does. Eventually, he arrives at the rendezvous point (sans the mysteriously absent war criminals) only to be double-crossed by the retrieval unit and rescued by the hot lizard woman.

High Command is evil, the battlesuit is part of an utterly ridiculous secret program, and somehow if they can just get to a ship and make it to a peace conference that's happening in three days, they can use the suit to expose the conspiracy to the political leadership and save the galaxy. Hijinks ensue, involving a crashed asteroid miner; actual primitive savages; and eluding many, many alliance patrols. In the end, we discover another conspiracy whereby the lizards are planning to double-cross the humans after the war and wipe out humanity. The heroes die, and the secret evil battlesuit program continues. On the plus side, Cpt. Strider does finally manage to get his helmet off long enough to kiss the lizard woman as they lie dying. On the minus side, no tongue.

It's like a crappy, send-up/mish-mosh of Enemy Mine. With Scut Farkus. --Bryan.

Smithee Award Nominations

Oblivious
They Haven't Invented "Up" Yet Primitive warriors haven't invented "up" yet.

"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
Comprehensibility Eludes Them The true difference between a hunter and prey is the ability to elude.

Best One-Liner
Hint: It Wasn't an Attempt at Humor "I detect no intelligent lifeforms in our sector." "That better not be an attempt at humor."

"Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"
"She Had Green Tits! So Help Me God, GREEN TITS!" Scut Farkus uses his special AI spacesuit to get an eyeful of the alien lizard lady. Perv. Hard to blame him, though.

Directors

Director	Claim to Fame
Greg Aronowitz	Directed two episodes of the "Black Scorpion" TV show and five of "Power Rangers S.P.D."; directed Larou. Mainly an art/SPFX guy. His hair's not like that anymore.

Cast

Actor	Character	Claim to Fame
Zack Ward	Jordan Strider	Will forever be known as bully Scut Farkus in the A Christmas Story universe. Has parlayed his child stardom into a B-movie career which includes Freddy vs. Jason, Transformers, Resident Evil: Apocalypse and Postal. He does not actually have yellow eyes.
Monica May	Jun'hee	Was the Yellow SPD Power Ranger on "Power Rangers S.P.D."; Monique in Acrylic; and played a callgirl in The Shickles.
Colleen Smith	The Suit (voice)	Born in Korea, raised in Hawaii, learned and now teaches at The Groundlings. Played Wren on "Selfie," but mainly does voice acting.
Kevin Thompson	Panhandler	A little person, he's been an Ewok (Return of the Jedi and others), a Critter (Critters), an elf (various), a Munchkin (Oz the Great and Powerful, uncredited), and an Oompa Loompa...well, okay, a spoof of an Oompa Loompa in Epic Movie. Was Bear in Blade Runner.

© 1992-2025 Bryan D. Cassidy and Greg Pearson. All Rights Reserved.