AE: Apocalypse Earth  (2013)
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Alpha Earth
Apocalypse Earth
Tagline(s):The Battle for Mankind Will Not Be on Earth
Nomination Year: 2025
SYNOPSIS: 

An Asylum typosquatting twofer, trying to confuse itself with both After Earth and Titan A.E..

A future Earth is being bombed by aliens using footage that we last saw in the Battle of Los Angeles Worst SFX clip, and which hasn't improved since. Unable to muster effective resistance, Earth has assembled a small fleet of evacuation transports to save at least a few people. Adrian Paul (with exceptionally bad hair) leads a small unit of soldiers keeping rioters out of Richard Grieco's (with exceptionally good hair) transport, the Albert Einstein (affectionately known as The AE -- see what they did there?).

A few of the rioters break through and Adrian leads his squad aboard to remove them. Unfortunately, just then things get really bad. Capt. Grieco blasts off for the stars. Adrian demands he return and let off his squad and the rioters, but Richard notes that -- while there are a few carefully-chosen specialists -- most of the evacuees are chosen by lottery and one set of refugees is as good as another, so he orders everybody into cryosleep.

An indeterminate time later, the crew wakes up to their ship crashing onto an alien planet, conveniently killing most of the extras and interior sets. Even more conveniently, they crash into a prison camp where the survivors of the other evacuation transport (which crashed here a few years before) are being imprisoned by chameleon-like aliens with the power not to appear on screen where they would cost actual money. Capt. Grieco is concussed, so Adrian gathers the survivors and escaped prisoners. Among them is TIM, and android who's actor was clearly told to act as much like Commander Data as possible. TIM informs them that there's another ship a few days' travel through the jungle, so Adrian organizes his crew to travel there to take the ship and return to Earth. You know, the place they just traveled across the universe to escape, a fact no one thinks to bring up.

They dodge chameleons, fight CGI monsters, brave rushing rapids, and meet a hot alien chick who learned English from spying on the prison camp, but doesn't understand humanity well enough to realize that Adrian Paul is not actually all that attractive with that hairdo (I realize that most of the readers who are attracted to men will find that really hard to believe, but Jenna swears it's true). They eventually make it to the ship only to discover that it's missing its power cell, which they will have to replace by going back to the crash site and taking the power cell from The AE. And, yes, that means we get to do it all again. Twice. With a climactic battle against invisible aliens in between.

It's still a thousand times less hiking than Big Legend, though.

Greg Pearson
Smithee Award Nominations
"Alas, Poor Yorick"
My Methane Explosions Are Deadly, Too
Refugee killed when random alien bombing causes tragic CGI methane explosion.
Deus Ex Machina
The Lizards Never Learned Object Permanence
Refugees take cover by running out into the open, but alien bomber gives up the second they put their heads under water.
"WHAT?!"
We Made the Boat out of Vines, Branches, and a Boat

The primitive aliens somehow have an Ator-style Zodiac.

Crummiest Ending
You Did It! You Ripped It Off! Damn You All to Hell!
It's the Planet of the Apes ending.
Directors
Director Claim to Fame
Thunder Levin Wrote a TON of Bad movies (including the infamous Sharknado series!) and directed five of them, including this stinker. Look at that sh*t-eating grin. He knows what he did. 
Cast
Actor Character Claim to Fame
Adrian Paul Lt. Frank Baum Yes, that Adrian Paul, most famous for being Duncan MacLeod, the titular TV "Highlander" (and across the later franchise). But has also done a lot of Bad movies. Like this one. And Deadly Descent: The Abominable Snowman. And Stormageddon. And...well, you get the idea. 
Richard Grieco Capt. Sam Crowe Famous handsome actor who was Booker on "21 Jump Street" and starred in A Night at the Roxbury
Bali Rodriguez Lea Costa Rican beauty who modeled in Australia and was roped into doing this Bad Movie. 
Gray Hawks TIM AKA "Gray Hawk" (really?). He played Win / Win, Jr. on "Delilah" and had lots of other single-episode TV gigs. 
Jay Cardell Sgt. Peebles Filipino who moved to San Diego and got involved in Bad Movies: American Warships, Love N Success, A Brother's Turmoil, and more. 
Daniel Ross Mix Colin Cesar in The Return and played Doctor Lin on "Dele Viaje." 
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