Hawk the Slayer (1981)

Nomination Year: 2002
SYNOPSIS:  The power of the Mindsword is in the land's mightiest and noblest warrior: Hawk, the Slayer! His disfigured big brother is jealous and will stop at nothing to kill Hawk while spreading evil throughout the kingdom.

"Alas, Poor Yorick"

Death By Silly String™
The guard sees the wooden deadbolt float up. Puzzled, he investigates. A tube protrudes from the crack in the door. Pop-whirrr! He's killed by neon green Silly String, courtesy of the blind witch-woman, who knew Hawk was in trouble by gazing into her magic fire. How nice....

Best One-Liner

Mace in the Face
The giant rigs a clever (for a giant) confinement for the captured Hunchback. They tie him face-up on his back under a tree. The giant pulls Hunchy's own humungous spiked mace way high up in the tree using a pulley. Then he sticks the end of the rope in the Hunchback's mouth. After a bit of taunting, the infuriated Hunchback screams in fury, with the result that the mace comes crashing down. The giant's comment: "Some people just can't keep their mouths shut."

Worst Acting

You DID Prove Yourself: You Proved Yourself a Total Idiot
Two goons carry B/Voltan's dying son back to their master. "I just wanted to prove myself..." are his final words. Jack Palance then tries to emote. He expresses his grief in a rather constructive way. Saying that it's fitting that his son should be buried with dogs at this feet, he "challenges" the two messenger-underlings to a rather one-sided fight. Even though he stands with his back to both of them, they are very uneasy, glancing at one another and hesitating to attack. Sensing that they're really just extras and have no chance, they both refuse to fight, shakily laying down their weapons. Does B/Voltan
a) understand, and tell them to leave in peace,
b) embrace them as valuable employees who made a tough decision under hard circumstances, or
c) kill them both where they stand using concealed throwing daggers?
The answer: C.

Worst Picture

The Superball Confetti Fight
They really pulled out all the stops in the special effects budget for this one. The sorceress says she'll use her magic to help them in the final fight against B/Voltan and his men. And boy, does she. First, a spinning column of bouncing glow-in-the-dark super-balls (she calls them "firebolts") confuses them (and us). Then some confetti "snow" or something blows into the room. And the fight is on! Auto Elf and Auto Crossbow Guy go into full swing as does the giant and Hawk with his Mindsword.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Jack Palance Gravelly tough-guy through and through 
John Terry  
Peter O'Farrell A little person, he played "Pox" in Legend 
Bernard Bresslaw Famous in Britain as the "Carry On" chap 
Ray Charleson  
William Morgan Sheppard Bit actor who now does voices in very bad animated shows and video games 
Patricia Quinn Magenta (A Domestic) in The Rocky Horror Picture Show 
Director Claim to Fame
Terry Marcel Director of The Last Seduction II, if that tells you anything 

Bryan Cassidy

To the Film Gallery Return to Lobby
[Smithee Film Gallery] [Return to Lobby]

© 2011-2019 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.