Cyber Bandits (1995)
A Sailor's Tattoo

Nomination Year: 2004
SYNOPSIS:  In a cyberpunk future, a billionaire's abused mistress escapes from him with a stolen CD-ROM containing the plans to a "superweapon", enlisting the aid of the first mate on his private yacht to help her escape. The only tiny flaw in her plan was deciding to make her getaway in a tiny island nation where her lover controls the police and government. Now, she and the first make, Jack (who she calls by name every other sentence), have to find some way to smuggle themselves and the disc off the island.

However you think they might do this, their real plan is even dumber.

Smithee Award Winner! Most Ludicrous Premise

Not Tonight, Honey, I Have To Explain the Plot
This is a two-scene clip. In the first scene ("not tonight, honey, I have to explain the plot"), Jack tries to have sex with the heroine, but she insists on stopping him so she can explain about stealing the disc. She doesn't know what's on it, but she knows it's some kind of superweapon and who ever controls it will control the world. CUT TO: The evil scientist explaining the world's crappiest superweapon. Bonus points to anyone who can come up with one single solitary application for which this weapon is not grossly inferior to any firearm more advanced than a flintlock.

"Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw"

"You Insult My Dog?!"
Whatever you do, don't insult this chick's dog. Our heroes are able to escape because one of the thugs who have caught them insults the stuffed dog, and she goes completely nuts, pulling out her shotgun and blasting away.


The Incredible Phasing Earrings
As a token of his affection (and a good place to hide a tracking device), the villain gives the heroine a set of earrings. He pins one on her left ear. Cut to him kissing her, with no earring. Cut to a reaction shot of her, with the earring in her right ear. Cut to a long shot of her with earrings in both ears.

Acting Appropriately Stupid

Smuggling, Body Art, and Adam Ant
Let's tattoo the information on Jack's back! Because nothing could go wrong with THAT plan. The guy with the British accent is rock "star" Adam Ant.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Martin Kemp bass player in '80s band "Spandau Ballet" 
Alexandra Paul  
Adam Ant Singer/songwriter from "Adam and the Ants" 
Grace Jones Singer/model, works with animals, was in Conan 
Henry Gibson you've probably seen him in something, but he is not Penn Jillette's partner in magic 
James Hong Token Asian guy in just about every movie and TV show; pulls off Japanese, Chinese, Korean, you name it 
Director Claim to Fame
Erik Fleming  

Greg Pearson

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© 2011-2019 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.