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Roller Blade (1985)

Nomination Year: 2005
SYNOPSIS:  The Holy Order of the Roller Blade is a group of roller-skating nuns whose holy symbol is a happy-face, in a post-apocalyptic world gone horribly, horribly wrong. Yet if this is so wrong, I don't want to be right.

The nuns are opposed by a group of mutants lead by the evil Doctor Saticoy. The crisis points come when Doctor Saticoy steals the nuns' sacred power crystal, and kidnaps the Sheriff's son.

Smithee Award Winner!MegaMetaSmithee Award Winner! Most Ludicrous Premise

Conehead Lesbian Nuns
One of the Nun Faithful reports to Mother Speed that the sacred power crystal has been stolen. The Holy Order of the Roller Blade are the only nuns in existence whose wimples have a reservoir tip.

Smithee Award Winner! "Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"

Sexual Healing
Looking like a Lesbian counterpart to the Ku Klux Klan, these women get it on in a hot tub which (we're supposed to believe) heals them. Almost clever the way they wash away each others "injuries" (makeup). Almost. Have a nice day.

"WHAT?!"

Psychic Healing with the Tools of Love
By the power of the Holy Smiley-Face, I use this dagger to HEAL you! Uh, right. Although "Psychic Healing with the Tools of Love" does sound like a prog rock double-bill.

Smithee Award Winner!MegaMetaSmithee Award Winner! Worst Special Effect

The Rocket Sled sequence.
The annoying puppet gets burned, but then so do we when we eventually see the ultra-mega-cheesy blue screen effects later.

Smithee Award Winner! Worst Acting

Jeff Hutchinson, Roller-Skating Sheriff
He's the Sheriff. You can tell from his hat. And he's upright and honest. You can tell by the way he uses his "thou"s and "thee"s. In this clip, he attempts to help his son learn to roller skate.

Smithee Award Winner!MegaMetaSmithee Award Winner! Worst Picture

More KKK-on-Acid Shenanigans
The nuns suit up for battle. They strike only blows which injure their opponents. All their weapons are tools of love. They skate off to rescue three of their number who have been captured by Saticoy's band, and are being made to catfight.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Suzanne Solari  
Jeffrey Hutchinson  
Erin Michael  
Sam Mann composed and performed the song "Single Life For Me" on Roller Blade Warriors: Taken By Force 
Director Claim to Fame
Donald G. Jackson aka "Maximo T. Bird" when he felt like it 

Kevin Hogan

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© 2011-2017 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.