Vampire Raiders: Ninja Queen (1988)
The Vampire Raiders

Nomination Year: 2007
SYNOPSIS:  A group of evil financiers (backed by the Black Ninja clan) is attempting to take over the global hotel market. They are using vampires in order to distract the good (Purple) ninja clan from what they're doing.

Unfortunately for them, a trio of telephone operators at one of their targeted hotels overhears a private conversation between their boss and the head of the Black Ninja, and does what they can in an attempt to thwart this takeover.

As an aside, the leader of the Purple Ninja clan (the Pink Ninja whose ninja suit shows off a lot of cleavage) looks stunningly like a young Christine Todd Whitman (former Governor of New Jersey) with a bad dye job.

Smithee Award Winner! Most Ludicrous Premise

Ninjas versus Ninjas versus Vampires...Or Something
The head of the Black Ninja clan and the evil necromancer / hotel manager discuss their plan to control the world's hotel industry (starting in Hong Kong) -- using the vampires as distractions to keep the Purple Ninja(r)s from interfering.

Smithee Award Winner!MegaMetaSmithee Award Winner! Oblivious

Ninjas: Men of Missed-Tree
The Purple Ninja is supposed to be ... well ... a highly-trained ninja. So why does he not realize that he's being stalked by a tree?

Smithee Award Winner! "Alas, Poor Yorick"

There's something you don't see every day.
In a failed assassination attempt, the bad guys drop a pig from a high rise building onto some poor random pedestrian.
Let me repeat that: they drop a pig from a high rise building.

Worst Cover Copy

The Los Angeles Raiders? What the Heck?
The cover has several issues. The back text is just goofy, drawing a line between the LA Raiders, the Corporate Raiders of Wall Street, and the Vampire Raiders. The front has serious genre issues. And of course, nobody uses guns, there are no barbarians, no women in bikinis with any weaponry heavier than sunblock, no Kwan-shi (Quonshi?) with knives, no black ninja (even though the gang is called The Black Ninja), no chicks with funky headgear. There were buildings, though. So at least that part is accurate.

Inane Dialogue

Maybe If You Got One Really Drunk...
The trio of hotel operators are discussing the strange news of the day. "It's not an accident," one says. "Pigs never just fall off of buildings." Then they shake their heads and cluck in sympathy for the victims: "Not a good day to be an elderly couple."

Smithee Award Winner!MegaMetaSmithee Award Winner! Worst Special Effect

Dummy in Drag
Lame ninja SFX, dragging dummies along the ground (as if the purple ninja is supposedly running across the ground, face-first, or something).

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Chris Peterson  
Carmella N. Hall  
Louis Roth  
Director Claim to Fame
Godfrey Ho possibly directed more Smithee films than anyone else - also known as: Alton Cheung, Tommy Cheung, Ho Chi-Keung, Elton Chong, Daniel Clough, Leong Fui Fong, Antonin Gasner, Martin Greenfield, Godfrey Hall, Zhi Jiang He, Benny Ho, Chi-Mou Ho, Chun-Sing Ho, Fong Ho, York Lam, Bruce Lambert, Charles Lee, Frank Lewis, Joe Livingstone, Jerry Sawyer, Victor Sears, Robert Young, Albert Yu 

Kevin Hogan

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© 2011-2019 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.