Cryptz (2002)

Nomination Year: 2008
Q: Where do Vampiyaz live?
A: In Coffynz. But they suck in Cryptz.

Our hero, Times Square ... excuse me, Tymez Skwair ... opens the movie by getting chewed out by his mom for getting out of bed so late (the crack of noon). She sends him off to get a job. On the way, he runs into his no-good buddies Fuzzy Down and Licorice ... beg pardon, Likrish ... who immediately distract him. They run into a hot girl, who works at a place called CRYPTZ. She touches Tymez on the cheek, and walks away, primarily so we can get a long slow-motion look at her walking away.

They can't find CRYPTZ in the phone book, so Tymez calls a weird buddy of his, a guy plugged into the Underground scene, named Truck. Truck tells Tymez that Tymez has been marked, and needs to be duct-taped to a bed from sundown to sunup in order to escape.

Instead, the buddies watch a cheesy movie marathon. Suddenly, the moon comes up! Tymez starts screaming in pain from his cheek where the hot woman touched him. He runs out into the night, following his cheek in the direction it hurts less (GPS it ain't). His gang of lovable idiots follows along.

Tymez' hot cheek leads him to CRYPTZ, where attractive women do stripper routines, and all the alcoholic drinks are day-glo Colors Not Found In Nature.

Ignoring Truck's advice again, Tymez goes off for a private dance with the woman who marked him earlier. To no one's surprise, the vampires herd all the gawking men (all three? four?) into a room, and lock the door.

The rest of the movie is Likrish, Fuzzy, Tymez, and Random Expendable Guy #2 banging on various doors. There's a brief interlude where the evil boss vampire explains the significance of the tattoo that she cut off Tymez (um ... ouch), and then Truck shows up to help kill vampires. Fuzzy dies, but Tymez, Likrish, and Truck get away ... along with the hot chick that initially marked Tymez, and who has in the interim been turned into a full vampire. Truck offers Tymez a job as a vampire hunter. Tymez says he'll think on it.

The movie ends in a reverse scene of how it began, as Tymez is scolded by his mother, and crawls into bed.

Best One-Liner

Truck Is a Dedicated Fighter of Evil.
Truck explains to Tymez Skwair why he came to rescue them all from CRYPTZ.
"Evil must be opposed ... even when it threatens morons."

Crummiest Ending

A Day in the Life.
The crappiest day in Tymez' life ends (as does the movie) with him sneaking into his bedroom through a window, and his mom chewing him out. Then he goes to bed and turns off the light. And his (disem-chested) tattoo starts to glow a funny color. Roll credits.

As Almost Live would have said: "Lame! Lame! Lame! Lame!"

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Choice Skinner  
Rick Irvin  
Dennis Waller Cryptz was simultaneously the nadir and the zenith of his acting career 
Andre McCoy was Morpheus' stunt double on The Matrix ... often credited as Chyna 
Director Claim to Fame
Danny Draven  

Kevin Hogan

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© 2011-2019 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.