Inseminoid (1981)
Horror Planet
Horrorplanet

Nomination Year: 2011
SYNOPSIS:  As it happened, this was nowhere near as bad as I expected. Of course, I was expecting some sort of misogynistic near-pornography, so really there's a lot of faint praise left to be damned with. What I got was an early-80s (1981) British science fiction film, and although it did feature a penis-shaped monster alien, it was more Quatermass and the Unfortunate-Looking Alien in attitude than The Alien Files.

A xenoarcheological team is exploring a strange underground cavern system and trying to determine more about the (long-vanished) alien race that created it and carved messages into the rock. Unfortunately, a member of the team violates the unwritten "do not go toward strange crystals that grow brighter as you approach" rule, and there is an explosion. In the resulting brouhaha, one crew member is killed (sort of), and one is injured. The injured one goes mad, and is responsible for the deaths (direct and indirect) of a couple fellow crew members.

In the process of all this craziness, one of the female crewmembers (Sandy) is captured, artificially inseminated by an alien (via a glass tube full of beer and ping-pong balls, aka "Insert Classic-Dr.-Who-Quality Medical Special Effect Here"), and released. Or maybe ... she just imagined the whole thing! Because why would the expedition's doctor be present at the insemination?

The doctor claims that Sandy is pregnant, despite administering the standard birth control injections just a month prior. The captain doesn't believe that's possible -- and then the whole matter is dropped, as Sandy starts killing other members of the crew. She stalks and kills pretty much all of them, then gives birth to adorable penis-head alien twins.

Will the remaining crew be able to outlive Sandy? What will they do with the baby aliens once they find them? What happens when the ship comes to pick up our intrepid crew (who you will recall are exploring a cave system, which has left them out of radio contact)? If you have ever seen a Smithee film before, you can probably answer at least two of these questions correctly.

Oblivious

He's from Radio Shack -- he can only turn to the right.
Ricky has gone nuts, and run off (in his spacesuit) into the nonpressurized area of the cave. He's being pursued by another scientist in a spacesuit. Ricky runs into a dark cavern, and "hides" to the left of the entrance. The searcher, runs in, looks right, turns right, and heads off to the right. At this point, Ricky turns on his suit's headlights and runs off the other way.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Robin Clarke  
Victoria Tennant Lawrence Olivier's goddaughter; I know her from L.A. Story, where do you know her from? 
Director Claim to Fame
Norman J. Warren  

Kevin Hogan

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© 2011-2019 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.