The Horrible Dr. Bone$ (2000)
The Horrible Doctor Bones
The Horrible Dr. Bones

Nomination Year: 2012
SYNOPSIS:  Quite frankly, I can not remember why we thought it would be a good idea to watch The Horrible Dr. Bone$, but we did, and we got what we deserved, I guess. Oh wait, I forgot about one of the "special features" on the disc: Three million Half Moon Entertainment movie previews. Half Moon Entertainment is the proud distributor of such classics as Reanimator, Arcade, Creepers, and other Smithee movies of yore...plus a whole pack of "promising" new ones. That was probably the redeeming feature of the whole movie.

In short, The Horrible Dr. Bone$ is a movie about a Zombie Master who has a brilliant scheme to RULE THE WORLD!!! And he would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those pesky hip-hop kids.

In long, Dr. Bones (played by the wonderfully craggy Darrow Igus) is indeed a Zombie Master but also a radio station owner (KZMB!) and a wealthy and respected man in the recording industry. He has a bevy of smokin' hot R&B chicks at his beck and call and a posse of undead dudes to do his bidding. Plus several loyal Top Model quality minions who are smart to boot. He even has a conscientious zombie janitor...what more could a Zombie Master want?

Apparently, this Zombie Master wants to control the living as well as the dead and the only way to do that is to overlay the Zombie Master Mojo with the right hip-hop tune. The testing phase doesn't go so well for a couple unlucky fellas as Dr. Bones's minions discover by trial and error (and lame special head splody effects [enter the zombie janitor]) that the music and the mojo must be mixed live. Thus, KZMB puts out the call for up and coming Hip-Hop bands.

BTW, this movie has a kickin soundtrack that I'd totally buy. I might not pay more than 10 bucks for it but I'd get it for certain at $9.99.

Enter the Urban Protectors. They have the right sound for Dr. Bones's mojo mix and are signed up on the spot even though they only ever play one song in the entire movie. It's a good song though. The whole band is ecstatic about their discovery except for the not-manger-not-bandmember sound-mixing guy. His gut tells him that something is off about Dr. Bones. Also, since the good doctor's crack mojo mixing staff will be handling the band's sound from here on out, not-manager-not-bandmember guy (NMNB from here on out) is SOL. This leaves him a lot of time to explore the vast catacomb-like basement of KZMB studios.

Naturally, NMNB guy finds Dr. Bones's super secret Zombie Master lair (and the hard-working janitor zombie who is doing his best to keep those catacomb floors clean enough to eat off of) and witnesses the Horrible Dr. Bones zombiefy his record label competitor (a dark-skinned guy named (*ahem*) "Maxi White." Aiiieeeeee! Bad mojo!

The rest of the movie happens in what seems like a very fast 20 minutes of: Band sings their (one) song for a small select test VIP group of backers and investors -- the mojo is mixed -- NMNB guy nicks a handy anti-mojo earplug and is unaffected while everyone else is zombiefied -- NMNB guy grabs his lead girl and runs into the catacombs (past janitor zombie who loyally takes a swing at them with his trusty mop companion) -- They are cornered by Dr. Bones and his zombie posse in the zombie heart aquarium nook (No, really! Dr. Bones keeps his zombie minion's hearts on sticks in a big old 30 gallon aquarium. A cardiarium if you will) -- The Horrible Dr. Bones explains his fiendish plan -- NMNB guy pops all the zombie hearts and his lead girl drop kicks the Horrible Dr. B into an ginormous electrical box.

BrrrrrrZAAAP goes the good doctor as he gets the undead daylights fried out of him. The End. Sorta. There is a small vignette at the very end where NMNB guy and his leading (and quite pregnant) lady are chillin at his place which, as far as we can tell, consists of one scary-hideous couch, a coffee table and some sort of rug hook wall hanging of three manhole covers. I didn't notice the wall hanging because I was keeping my eyes on that couch. *shudder* The post man drops by and gives them a MYSTERIOUS ANONYMOUS package which sounds like it might contain a telltale heart (BTW, the post office highly recommends not opening any mysterious unidentified packages that make suspicious sounds). Flash to Dr. Bones laughing evilly. Fade to black.

Movie:1 My brain:0.

Oblivious

I knew that Love is blind. I guess Evil is as well.
Dr. Bone$' henchwoman might be evil, but she certainly doesn't have any peripheral vision as Jamal swipes keys to the studio from almost literally under her nose.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Darrow Igus wonderfully craggy 
Sarah Scott Davis  
James Lee Hymes  
Nicole Pulliam  
Director Claim to Fame
Ted Nicolaou Directed the Subspecies fiascoes...except the first ... also writes and edites 

Jeannette Quirk

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