Boa (2001)
New Alcatraz

Nomination Year: 2012
SYNOPSIS:  Boa could have been subtitled "Of course they are going to have to kill off the Chechnyan because he's the only one who's making any sense in this movie. And he's hot." or "Antarctic Snakes? In Antarctica? For real? Did they even stop to think about that at all?" or even "Don't Boa constrictors usually, oh I don't know, constrict? And since when do they have barbed tails?" or possibly "I'd say that maybe they got their 'exothermic' and their 'endothermic' mixed up, but hell... the warm-bloods are walking around the South Pole in the winter without any face protection and in just their camo pants and no ill effects befall them, so whatevs." But that wouldn't have fit very well on the DVD cover.

Okay. So you have a movie idea that is... a little far-fetched but not entirely unworkable. I mean, Antarctic snakes aren't the easiest movie premise to get to fly because 1. Antarctica is bitchin' cold in August and 2. Snakes (to a species, if I am correct) are cold-blooded creatures and get really sluggish when the temperature drops. Thus, unless you add some sort of other plot element, your movie's going to be really short. "Arrrgh! Giant snake! Oh wait, it's minus 67 degrees outside and we have to wear parkas indoors and the snake's gone into a cold stupor. Well allrighty then. Everybody back to work, mind the fangs."

So you add a little something warm like... maybe your Antarctic facility is nuclear powered and snuggly toasty. Or maybe some sort of sustaining reaction keeps the home fires burning, whatever. Point is, your giant snake needs warmth in order to survive long enough to start nomming on your cast.

But no.

This giant snake movie has an 80-foot prehistoric snake (BTW - the other title for this flick is New Alcatraz, which is a much better fit, since this thing is in no way a "Boa") that is drilled out of its snug hollow pure nitrogen filled rock cubby (Why isn't it dead, yet preserved with that atmosphere? And hows-a-come if it isn't dead it doesn't show any ill effects going from a pure nitrogen atmosphere to 78% nitrogen/20% oxygen atmosphere?). Snake goes on a rampage, eating everyone in this Antarctic prison facility that is having established heating problems. Thus they call in Doctor of Paleontology Dean Cain and his equally doctored paleontological wife to... err... be in the same place as the rest of the movie.

Getting them there, there is an amusing shot where everybody is all loosely-parked up in big hoods, walking from plane to prison in a driving Antarctic snowstorm, and looking like the world's most lost jawas. Maybe that's the reason for them.

The snake nom-nom-noms, everyone dies except the Chechnyan and Dean Cain -- but then lo! Dr. Wife shows up inexplicably un-nommed by said snake. Apparently she got away which really bummed us out. Neither Dr. Wife nor Dean Cain's character were people you would be really sad to see et by a giant snake. Preferably within the first 10 minutes of showing up but then the movie wouldn't have (not) starred Dean Cain. Personally, I was rooting for the Chechnyan to outlive them all.

And in the last flash of stupidity, they take off in the rescue plane, but wait! The plane is unaccountably heavy! Like a giant 80 foot exotherm spryly sprung from its icy maximum security dungeon onto said plane. Oh! Noes! Snake! On! A! Plane!

Smithee Award Winner! Best One-Liner

...but how do you really feel?
There's nothing like a good putdown line from a hot woman to a sleazy sleazy man, and this ... is pretty decent, actually: "I would have lesbian sex with your dead grandmother before I'd have anything to do with the likes of you!"

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Dean Cain TV's "Superman" on Lois and Clark, he went on to host Ripley's Believe It or Not! (which I didn't) 
Grand L. Bush  
Greg Collins  
Dana Ashbrook "Bobby Briggs" from Twin Peaks; his film debut was a small role in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes 
Marcus Aurelius This cannot be his real name, unless he's REALLY old. 
Director Claim to Fame
Philip J. Roth often writer and producer ... very prolific producer of badness 

Jeannette Quirk

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