How to Make a Monster (2001)

Nomination Year: 2012

SYNOPSIS: This was a pretty decent B flick, and guess what? The acting clip doesn't come from pro-wrestler-turned-actor Tyler Mane. Color me surprised. The basic plot of our monster movie (in which the monster is done well enough not to score a Worst Monster nomination) is that a dirt-bag-scum game-developing company needs to come out with a scary first-person-shooter-type of fantasy game. Enter the misfits of programming who can finish the game in three weeks after the first development team is fired.

Incidentally, I think the first development team went on to create Spore and probably made a lot more money than the Misfits of Programming.

Anyway, a bolt of lightning hits a transformer and blows out some worst science that animates the motion capture suit. The motion capture suit is controlled by the server which is...playing the game. How many people saw that coming? This is also why the first development team made more money on Spore. Their creation wasn't trying to hack people apart and build a better walking motion capture suit with the body parts. Hey, what's a good suit if you don't have the body to fill it, right? Right!

The suit goes walkies, people die gruesomely and I totally called the Giant Fish Tank scene. And in the end, the big moral lesson is that good guys don't win because the world is full of mean and ugly, and nice guys always finish last. Meh.

Lastly, in case you were wondering what role Julie Strain played (she of "Queen Bee" fame in Guns of El Chupacabra), the answer would be: Julie Strain. She played herself being "hired" for the model in the motion capture suit. Which has to be modeled in the nude. Of course it does. Awesome.

Jeannette Quirk

Smithee Award Nominations

Worst Science
Lightning Is Not Magic! GAAAH! The motion-capture suit kills Hardcore. They figure out what must have happened. It was a lightning-induced "code inversion" that lets the computer control the motion-capture suit. "During the surge, everything got reversed."

Best One-Liner
Non-Dairy Topping...and Bottoming The programmers are out to let off some steam. "I'm gonna get me a girl and two tubs of Cool Whip," says one. "Cool Whip?" "I'm lactose intolerant."

"Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"
Jumping Jacks: The ~~RPG~~ FPS Because motion capture technology is so ... that is ... I mean ... because they're computer geeks with a budget to blow on things like nudity ... Julie Strain has to model the motion-capture suit in the nude. Or at least topless ... despite the fact that there are no ... let's call them ... measuring elements ... anywhere near her copious breasts.	Sorry, this clip has not yet been made available!

Directors

Director	Claim to Fame
George Huang	also wrote How to Make a Monster

Cast

Actor	Character	Claim to Fame
Julie Strain	<Not Yet in Database>	Married to Kevin Eastman; 6'1" tall. Was the dominatrix in Naked Gun 33- 1/3: The Final Insult as well as about 135 other (typically sexy) roles.
Tyler Mane	<Not Yet in Database>	"Big Sky" the WCW wrestler
Colleen Camp	<Not Yet in Database>	Was in a lot of well-known big-budget films (Apocalypse Now, D.A.R.Y.L. , Speed 2: Cruise Control) as well as some small later TV parts.
John Ashley	John Ashley	Was the narrator's voice on "The A- Team" ("...and if you can find them..."), which he produced. Before that, many B-movies, especially of the bikini/beach-blanket bingo/Gidget-like variety.


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