Click to See Cover!
13 Seconds (2003)

Nomination Year: 2009
SYNOPSIS:  Which is about as long as one can stand this film. Atrocious acting all around, and I'm sorry, but the "mansion" and "silent movie theater" is a fricking DORM. Weird, incomprehensible, rambling, and did I mention BAD ACTING? The whole cast was on 'ludes. Essentially: The band Night Gallery is getting back together to record their latest album in this creepy old dorm^H^H^H^H mansion. They do some drugs. There's an art gallery in the house that shows you how you're about to die. Creepy creatures come out of the woodwork and start offing the cast one by one. "Tell Me To Stop The Pain" is a message repeated on walls in blood. The fat sound guy gets possessed. Finally, after an interminable ordeal (for the viewers), the "truth" is revealed.

Smithee Award Winner! "Wanna Run That By Me Again?"

"Oh. WTF DOES THAT MEAN?!"
A little duct-tape interrogation of the possessed guy.

"Alas, Poor Yorick"

The Thing from the, Uh, "Nether Reaches"
After concluding that drugs may not be so good for you, the guy enters the room, gets locked in. Then a demon grabs his crotch from under the bed, rips his throat out, folds him in half and drags him under.

Smithee Award Winner! Inane Dialogue

Recurring Stupidity
"Have I ever told you about this reoccurring [sic] dream I have? Now that scares the hell out of me."
"You've had this more than once?"

Crummiest Ending

Yes, Please! Stop the Pain! Stop the Pain!
Satan (a few years on from the Filipino Wolfman movie) reveals what's been happening. I guess the whole movie was the Devil's trick in the last 13 seconds of Davis' life. And now he's going to Hell, where I've been for the last hour and a half. Ah, well.

Smithee Award Winner! Worst Acting

It All Makes Sense Now! Wait, No It Doesn't.
Talia (Sarah Corbin) tells it like it... was? It seems half the cast is on drugs. And the cryptic statements fly.

Worst Picture

Sidetrack Snaps and There's a "Fight"
There is a folding chair involved.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Sarah Corbin her only imdb credit ... imagine that 
Esa Scott his only imdb credit ... imagine that 
Director Claim to Fame
Jeff Thomas  

Bryan Cassidy

To the Film Gallery Return to Lobby
[Smithee Film Gallery] [Return to Lobby]


© 2011-2017 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.