Meet the Smith-ka-teers!™
- Your Host: Bryan Cassidy (a.k.a. Allen Smithee)
New Jersey native Bryan Cassidy was a brilliant and promising scientific researcher pursuing a Ph.D. in Biopsychology at a great Midwestern university. Little did he realize that such a course of study, coupled with his B.A. in Psychobiology, would cause a degree/anti-degree explosion deep within his brain. Mingled with the UV radiation absorbed from years of late-night television exposure, this mutated Bryan into his warped alter-ego -- Allen Smithee -- a being both Host and parasite, whose sole determination is to corrupt the world with Bad Cinema.
Inspired by a deceptively innocuous role-playing game (It Came From the Late, Late, Late Show by Stellar Games) and fueled by the laughter of the unsuspecting masses, Bryan, along with co-conspirator Greg Pearson, spawned the Smithee Awards™--a tribute to the Worst of the Worst in film and video.
Once based in the greater Metropolitan New York/New Jersey area and now thought to be somewhere in Southeastern Pennsylvania, Bryan poses as a professional hypnotherapist while he plots where and when Allen Smithee will surface next, ready to indoctrinate any and all into his Sublunary Sect of Schlock. And the manifestations come more and more often...
- Official Statistician: Greg Pearson
Greg Pearson, the canonical Statistician of the Smithees™, is affiliated with no known organization. He can be observed officiating at the Award ceremonies, the famed (or should I say infamed?) Purple Notebook of Doom in hand. Therein lies recorded many of the much-whispered Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.
Current whereabouts: Greg is rumored to be based in Arlington, VA. Is his mission to infiltrate and subvert the nearby Nation's Capitol with Bad Movies? He'll never tell.
- Envelope Bimbo/Moral Support: Rhana Cassidy
Rhana Cassidy, newsletter designer, aspiring author, and certified geek, keeps herself busy being a wonderful mom to two adorable (and rambunctious) daughters and an even-more-rambunctious son. The highlight of her past 25 years was becoming married to Bryan Cassidy (aka Allen Smithee) after being proposed to on stage at Origins '95. Rhana has been writing short stories and a novel since age 12 (yes, the same novel) and since none of them has been published yet, feels she can speak quite confidently about the trials and tribulations of the struggling writer.
Hoplessly entangled in Allen Smithee's web of intrigue, she can be found wherever he can, a veritable slave to his twisted will (occasionally, when she feels like it).
- Uber-Bimbette: Jenna Povey
When she's not collecting ballots dressed in a very snazzy costume at the ceremony, or helping husband Greg screen the horrific drek that are the Smithee movies, Jenna is an honest-to-goodness published science-fiction author! Really! She writes under the name Jennifer R. Povey, which by no coincidence is her real name. She's on convention panels and everything!
- Our Loyal Staffers
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We couldn't do what we do half as well (well, maybe half) without the tireless work, input, and support of other active Smith-ka-teer Crew:
- Paul Enns - Count von Count himself, Ballot-Counter Extraordinaire
- Michael Bowman - Former Committee Member and Present Slide Presenter
- Shayne Cassidy - Occasional Cameras and Spots
- Production Babies (aka The Spawn of Smithee)
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Born March 19 (the same natal day as Glenn Close, Bruce Willis, and Patrick McGoohan) in the year 1999, Briana Justine Cassidy represents the vanguard of a new generation which, even before its first steps, was already trotting down the path of corruption via exposure to horrifically Bad cinema. Her first word after "Da-da" and "Ma-ma" was "Godzilla;" her first full sentence was "I wanna watch Godzilla vs. King Kong." A very promising start indeed. Currently 21 and awaiting graduation after all this Coronavirus biz, she recently had her first drink (a Moscow Mule, prepared by her Daddy). She says it still doesn't dull the memory of having to screen Saint Bernard.
Caeli Elanor Cassidy ("CC" to her friends) was born August 4th, 2000 and is following her own path. Active and cheerful even while being disobedient, her experience with the "terrible threes" through the "sassy seventeens" served her into adulthood. Now 20, Caeli is perfectly suited for watching OUR kind of brain-puckering entertainment. Of all the Disney films in our collection, her favorite was always The Black Cauldron, Disney's only PG-rated animated film and arguably the worst of the bunch. And the Sid-and-Marty-Krofft videos certainly helped... Of the three, she has inherited the largest dose of Snark from her old man. And she serves it with extra sass. Constantly.
Liam Bryan Cassidy (born July 16th, 2002, same as Corey Feldman and Will Ferrell) was early-on possessed of the correct appetite for destruction and precocious speech ability that shape -- or destroy -- empires. He's well on his way to appreciating the finer points of a rippingly Bad film. He's gone from interests in superheroes, Harry Potter, and Bakugan to a fascination with video games, video games, and video games. Now 17, Liam awaits an uncertain graduation near the top of his high school class of 2020...provided there is one.
- The Smith-ka-teers™ also gratefully acknowledge the help of:
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- Matthew Quirk - Historically Genius Graphics Guru
- Kevin Hogan - Erstwhile Earl of Editing
- Jeanette Quirk - Former Ballot and PR Ninjette
- Amy Conlon - Former Greeting Bimbette
- The Whole Gang at Stellar Games - Inspiration and Original Origins™ Liaisons:
- Walter Mytczynskyj
- Lee Czerny
- ...and Demonna
- The Folks at VIVA VIDEO: THE LAST PICTURE STORE in Ardmore, PA - Hi, Miguel!
- Dorothy Quirk - Prior Wardrobe Creator and Slide Projectionist
- Tony Winkler - Video Editor and Events Coordinator Extraordinaire, '92 & '93
- Tony Castelletto - Ballot Luchedor, aka Cine Mal
- Cap'n Mike - Former Ballot Pirate
- Joel Flank - Former Committee Member
- Steve MacFarland - Former Committee Member
- Laura Woody Moore - Former Committee Member
- Ian Youmans - Former Committee Member
- Aaron Converse - Test Audience and Loyal Support
- Dee Calarko - Ms. Substitute Envelope Bimbo '94
- Trey Reilly - Former Origins™ Liason
- Mark Santillo - Former Origins™ Liason
- Henry Mobley - Former Origins™ Liason
- Gwendolyn Kestrel - Former Convention Organizer
- Gary Vandegrift - Former Convention Organizer
- All our loyal fans and SSoS members
True Honorary Smith-ka-teers™, one and all!
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