Meet the Smith-ka-teers!
Your Host/Fearless Leader: Bryan Cassidy (a.k.a. Allen Smithee)
New Jersey native Bryan Cassidy was a brilliant and promising scientific researcher pursuing a Ph.D. in Biopsychology at a great Midwestern university. Little did he realize that such a course of study, coupled with his B.A. in Psychobiology, would cause a degree/anti-degree explosion deep within his brain. Mingled with the UV radiation absorbed from years of late-night television exposure, this mutated Bryan into his warped alter-ego--Allen Smithee--a being both Host and parasite, whose sole determination is to corrupt the world with Bad Cinema.
Inspired by a deceptively innocuous role-playing game (Stellar's It Came From the Late, Late, Late Show) and fueled by the laughter of the unsuspecting masses, Bryan, along with co-conspirator Greg Pearson, spawned the Smithee Awards--a tribute to the Worst of the Worst in film and video.
Once based in the greater Metropolitan New York/New Jersey area and now thought to be somewhere in Southeastern Pennsylvania, Bryan poses as a professional hypnotherapist while he plots where and when Allen Smithee will surface next, ready to indoctrinate any and all into his Sublunary Sect of Schlock. And the manifestations come more and more often...
Official Statistician: Greg Pearson
Greg Pearson, the canonical Statistician of the Smithees, is affiliated with no known organization. He can sometimes be observed officiating at many of the Award ceremonies, the famed (or should I say infamed?) Purple Notebook of Doom in hand. Therein lies recorded many of the much-whispered Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.
Current whereabouts: Greg is rumored to be based in Arlington, VA. Is his mission to infiltrate and subvert the nearby Nation's Capitol with Bad Movies? He'll never tell.
Computer Graphics/Designer: Matthew Quirk
Matthew Quirk is the founder and president of the Institute of Advanced Mad Science. Perhaps best known for his work in caffeine-powered liquid fuel rocketry, he is currently working on refining his unstoppable six-step plan for total world domination. In his spare time, he produces strange and disturbing computer artwork. His affection for bad movies began when, at an unfortunately impressionable age, he accidentally wandered into a showing of Howard the Duck. His psyche has never quite recovered, and he remains a large and dangerous shadow of his former self. Matthew's graphics and media contributions have become a hallmark of the Smithee Awards.
Matthew and the IAMS (not to be confused with the dog food company of similar name) are purported to be somewhere in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where the Smithees also originated. Coincidence? I don't think so.
Video Editing: Kevin Hogan
Kevin Hogan, shadowy Supreme Denizen of the video-editing suite, is as elusive as he is talented. Rumor has it that he is always working, subtly and behind-the-scenes, assembling the next Smithee Awards video in preparation for Allen Smithee to unleash it on an unwitting populace. His directorial skills should not be underestimated. Kevin was last seen wearing a They Might Be Giants T-shirt and muttering to himself about penguins. Approach with extreme caution.
Envelope Bimbo/Moral Support: Rhana Cassidy
Rhana Cassidy, newsletter designer, aspiring author, and certified geek, keeps herself busy being a wonderful mom to two adorable (and rambunctious) daughters and an even-more-rambunctious son. The highlight of her past 15 years was becoming married to Bryan Cassidy (aka Allen Smithee) after being proposed to on stage at Origins '95. Rhana has been writing short stories and a novel since age 12 (yes, the same novel) and since none of them has been published yet, feels she can speak quite confidently about the trials and tribulations of the struggling writer.
Hoplessly entangled in Allen Smithee's web of intrigue, she can be found wherever he can, a veritable slave to his twisted will (occasionally, when she feels like it).
Our Loyal Crew
We couldn't do what we do half as well (well, maybe half) without the tireless work, input, and support of all the other Smith-ka-teers:
- Amy Conlon - Counter Bimbette: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Jenna Povey - Uber-bimbette: email@example.com
- Jeanette Quirk - Ballot Ninjette: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Paul Enns - Count von Count himself, Ballot-Counter Extraordinaire
- Tony Castelletto - Ballot Luchedor, aka Cine Mal: email@example.com
- Shayne Cassidy - Cameras and Spots: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Dorothy Quirk - Wardrobe and Slide Projectionist: email@example.com
- Mike Clegg - Ballot Pirate
Production Babies (aka The Spawn of Smithee)
Born March 19 (the same natal day as Glenn Close, Bruce Willis, and Patrick McGoohan) in the year 1999, Briana Justine Cassidy represents the vanguard of a new generation which, even before its first steps, was already trotting down the path of corruption via exposure to horrifically Bad cinema. Her first word after "Da-da" and "Ma-ma" was "Godzilla;" her first full sentence was "I wanna watch Godzilla vs. King Kong." Very promising indeed.
Caeli Elanor Cassidy was born August 4th, 2000 and is following in her sister's footsteps. Active and cheerful even while being disobedient, her experience with the "terrible threes" through the "sassy sevens" will serve her well into adulthood, perfectly suited for watching OUR kind of brain-puckering entertainment. Of all the Disney films in our collection, her favorite is The Black Cauldron, Disney's only PG-rated animated film and arguably the worst of the bunch. Good girl.
Liam Bryan Cassidy (born July 16th, 2002, same as Corey Feldman and Will Ferrell) is the newest member of the group. Already possessed of the correct appetite for destruction and precocious speech ability, he's well on his way to appreciating the finer points of a rippingly Bad film. He's into superheroes, Harry Potter, and Bakugan. And the Sid-and-Marty-Krofft videos certainly help...
The Smith-ka-teers also gratefully acknowledge the help of:
- The Whole Gang at Stellar Games, Inspiration and original Origins Liasons:
- Walter Mytczynskyj
- Lee Czerny
- ...and Demonna
- Tony Winkler - Video Editor and Events Coordinator Extraordinaire, '92 & '93
- Joel Flank - Former Committee Member
- Michael Bowman - Former Committee Member
- Steve MacFarland - Former Committee Member
- Laura Woody Moore - Former Committee Member
- Ian Youmans - Former Committee Member
- Aaron Converse - Test Audience and Loyal Support
- Dee Calarko - Ms. Substitute Envelope Bimbo '94
- Trey Reilly - Former Origins Liason
- Mark Santillo - Former Origins Liason
- Henry Mobley - Former Origins Liason
- Gwendolyn Kestrel - Former Convention Organizer
- Gary Vandegrift - Former Convention Organizer
- All our loyal fans and SSoS members
True Honorary Smith-ka-teers, one and all!
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Communicate with The Smith-ka-teers electronically: firstname.lastname@example.org!
© 1992-2011 Bryan Cassidy