Sailor Mourning Whistleblower Wife Becomes Hyper-Strong Hobo by Eating Contaminated Spinach
This clip explains the sad case of Popeye, the Sailor Slayer Man. There's more, but it was running long. I think this gets the point across.
Raise the Bismarck, Er, I Mean Fuhrer!
Nazi necromancers are going to raise Hitler, then attack China to start WWIII.
Totally...Worth It...GAK!
Aliens need to mate with human males to reproduce, but if it's not romantic enough, the humans die.
Sharks in the Cornfields!
Ancient burial ground? Humanoid Shark Goddess? Shark People? "This shit's ridiculous!"
Recruited for the Dude
Nimbus explains that he and his crew (now including Gordon) are all people of strong character who sacrificed themselves for others and are now here in Purgatory to destroy the Despiser for...The Dude!
Do As I Say, Not As I Do
Do as I say, not as I do.
The Orcs Critical-Fail Their Perception Checks
World's worst escape plan actually works thanks to the orcs repeatedly rolling 1s on their perception checks.
Do I Have To Do Everything?
Why do I have to do everything? Close the damn door yourself.
Where Could He Possibly Have Come From?
Where could he possibly have come from?
Worst. Combover. Ever.
Perhaps combing your hair over your right eye wasn't the best idea.
It's Not Whether You're Good or Evil, It's How You Play the Game
It's not whether you're good or evil, it's how you play the game.
I Know It's Sewer-Clown Weed, but C'mon...
Even for two very high people, this exchange is pure, uncut Wanna Run!
This Film Is a Plague
As Emperor Justinian's direct descendent, our heroine carries the black plague, which must mean that she has to kill herself and go to purgatory or infect all mankind.
Horse Sh*t
Toby shouts "Demons aren't real!" and then puts his chewing gum on the idol and turns it upside-down, claiming it's just a chunk of lava. He finishes with, "I guess you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it wipe the horse shit off their asses." WTF?
Mystical Reflections on the Atomic Tractor and RB7 Explanation
What the hell is going on here??
God Had Nothing To Do with This
The good guys are being chased by Shadowman and his minions in cars on a bridge. Nimbus says, "Don't worry, son! God is on our side!" Shadowman shoots a rocket-bullet (or whatever) from his car that clearly blows up in front of BOTH hero vehicles. Yet later, we see Jake and Fumie look back as if it fell between them? Abysmal CGI throughout.
Lame CGI Fight Ends Up with Demon in a Hotel Ice Bucket
Even in a film full of Bad SPFX, this fight stands out. Even Drac doesn't buy it.
Kiss Your Cravasse Goodbye
In Oh-So-Obvious Green Screen, they "stand" near an Arctic shelf. Then (of course) the quake hits! The Expendable Scienitst watches the Bad CGI cracks form, runs...then FALLS IMPOSSIBLY FAST into a crevasse! Oh, so bad CGI everywhere.
Helicopter Crash...Of Course
What would a Smithee movie be without an atrocious CGI copter crash?
Not So Much a Car on Fire as a Fire on Car
Rocket launcher causes CGI fire to be superimposed over car.
"Mean Lady Go Night-Night!"
Oopsie takes care of Sybil's mean ex-boss Karen. First, the demonic doll pisses on her desk then dissolves her face with acid puke. "Mean lady go night-night on permanent coffee break. Can we have a pizza party?"
Too Much Punch and You Can Lose Your Head
Vampire cosplayer loses his head to actual vampire.
Out of the Frying Pan, into the Eternal Fire
Flee killer ghost into fog-shrouded pit to Hell.
Re-Rebar
Long clip but worthwhile payoff. The two lovers just finished doing the nasty. Popeye surprises them and starts the chase. They're cornered, so the guy attempts a difficult jump...and fails, landing on the table below and getting his leg caught in a net. He yanks, and...GAK! Gets skewered by some falling rebar. After some nonsense, Popeye catches up with the girl, scares her to the *same jump*...which she fails, falling onto the rebar jutting from her deceased lover's corpse. GAK! If we have to cut, Lisa's death might do. But both is good.
A Dumb-Acid Death
Shirley's had a long day. The storm. The reunion is a bust. Just had a big scare because people are dying. Ted exploded all over her, and not in the fun way. How about a nice, relaxing bath...naked...IN ACID!
Deus Sasquatchina
Our final two heroes are fighting the shark cult, and it looks like they're losing. But wait! BIGFOOT (yes, the real one) shows up and conks the lieutenant with a boulder, saving the day! The reporter lightly tosses a plastic spear and kills the goddess's other underling. The CIA agent blithely tosses a grenade in the goddess's crown and blows her head off. They congratulate each other and marvel about the appearance of Bigfoot.
"Bullshit Amulet! REVERSE the Flow of Time!"
Callan screws up bigtime and loses to Gunnar. But he manages to use his amulet to break his cuffs (something Gunnar said his devices would prevent), grabs Riley's timey-wimey amulet, and rewinds reality until he saves the day and traps the immortal Gunnar. UGH.
What the Heck, Let's Destroy Ourselves!
Heroine loses the only means of defeating the villains, but then -- after 1500 years -- the villains choose this moment to turn on each other and destroy themselves. Specifically, Nina's great-great-whatever-grandma burns the freaking book and she and the Big Bad Justinius die of plague. Blech.
Escape Claus
The killer has our Final Girl dead to rights. She looms over our heroine with a machete...and starts monologuing! But, oopsie! Guess she didn't tie her down! Yep, she just gets up and runs away! Dumbass ex Machina!
Walk It Off! Walk It Off!
Relic that's been lost for generations turned out to be half a day's walk away; King gets shot in the back and walks it off.
Little Critter, Big Critter, Big Crater
Ow! Horrible FX, Horrible SLMs!
Nose Job
Oopsie cuts off Mitzy's nose, then, when Mitzy attacks Sybil, drills through her temple. Night-night, bitch!
Gutsy Youths Face Off against a Demon and Aren't up to Scratch
Great clip where the first group gets killed by the Demon. SFX emerging from the idol, then a bunch of Alases.
Moon Bacon Stardust, Motherfucker!
Moon bacon stardust to you, too, motherfucker.
Did They Want a Sexy Alien or a Sexy Alien?
Did they say they wanted a sexy alien or a sexy Alien?
Microwaved Bees Form Computers!
John and Dr. Hummel expleains that radiating the bees made them form structures like computer chips and made them intelligent! And the old doc has translated "ze dance of ze bees!"
Extracted Souls Make Human-Cyborg Hybrids
Souls can be extracted as a blue liquid called Essence and used to create cyborg-human hybrids.
Magic Mushrooms Stopped by O2
Mispronounced fungi are being carried into the upper atmosphere by storms and causing people to go insane, but a high enough dose of oxygen will set everything to rights.
Magnets Repel, Weaken, Solidify, and SHRINK Demons
The voodoo priestess says magnets (the ones he happened to bring with him) will weaken and, oh, SHRINK demons. What an odd thing to say... But you can't argue with SCIENCE!
Coca Paste and Insect Adrenal Glands
Coca paste is repelling the bugs...uhh...no? Well, how do we attract them? Wasp adrenal glands! The whole swarm within miles will feel it instantly. Somehow. Great! Except for one thing: ONLY MAMMALS HAVE ADRENAL GLANDS!
If Someone Is Killing You, Just Scream
Dexter suggests they'll split up. When Lisa points out that's how people get killed in movies, Dexter says, "If someone starts killing you, just scream." Great advice!
Personal Space
You may follow me on my quest. But you may not follow me while I relieve myself.
Don't Let Your Balls Drop!
Okay, everyone in the film is super serious and angsty, so Blackfire (Juhahn Jones) carries the weight of being THE comic relief. Like constantly. Annoyingly. Every line from his mouth. Here, the crew is setting up their new hideout after the old one was compromised. Lucia mentions it needs a woman's touch, and Blackfire says he does, too. Then he bobbles one of his magical hand-grenades (I kid you not). Luckily, it doesn't explode. But Riot threatens "If you drop your balls one more time, I'm gonna shove 'em straight up your turd-cutter for safekeeping."
Brushing Your Teeth with Toilet Paper
Dracula won't open the door. Some Bad acting there. And Toby threatens to kick his ass to the point where Drac will have to brush his teeth with toilet paper!
Lactose Intolerant
Jack is getting his butt handed to him, because the villain figured out his weakness to the color white and arranged a fight in a pool of...milk. Riiight. When confronted by the bad guy, Jack says, "No...I'm lactose intolerant!"
Junkyard Dogfight
The interminable firefight in the junkyard...which Danny Trejo then blows up! Provided you can stand watching to the end.
Where Did He Get the Army of Kamikaze Dirtbike Assassins?
Bikers attack limo.
Setting Off Nukes with a Grenade and Blowing Up Purgatory
The Despiser has Maggie! It holds all the cards! But Gordon has an ace up his sleeve...or rather, a grenade. He tosses it. It somehow makes it to the courtyard below, where the Despiser (stupidly) keeps all his nukes. BOOOOOOOOOOMMMM! Bad guy killed, souls freed.
Giant, Flying, Armored, Venomous, Fire-Breathing Wasps Swarm Encampment
Another CGI fight against the Giant, Flying, Armored, Venomous, Fire-Breathing Dragon Wasps breaks out, with a poor guy in the john saying "Occupado!", with complacent cows waiting to be roasted, and a hapless guy who's stung, flamed, and drowned.
Convenient Explosives Wake Lorenzo Lamas and Friend
Convenient explosives create a bang big enough to wake Lorenzo Lamas and his friend. And then blow up the whole warehouse.
Don't Let Her Get Away!
Don't let her get away!
They Majored in the Inanities
One Inanity after another! (includes the "April Fool's Day ends at noon in case the other doesn't get in).
"I Don't Know If He'll Never Wake Up Again..."
"Is he alive?"
"Technically, but I don't know if he'll ever wake up again."
"AAAAAAAAAAGHGGHH!!!"
"Technically, but I don't know if he'll ever wake up again."
"AAAAAAAAAAGHGGHH!!!"
"Even Manx Couldn't Screw This Up!"
Even Manx couldn't screw this up.
"It's Some Kind of Barrier"
It's some kind of barrier.
Take Two...Or Is It Three?
Joe Estevez kinda flubs his repentence line...but they could have left it in there; it certainly was no worse than any of his other takes in this flop. But then we hear the director from offscreen say: "Wanna do it again?" (as in "Do you want another take?"), and Joe (the actor, not the character!) says, "Yes, please." And they didn't bother editing it out in post.
Wow.
Scuba-Doobie-D'OH!
Scuba tanks disappear in midair and some of them change color on landing and weather changes from foggy to sunny.
Am I Supposed To Die Now?
Extra (at left) stands around for a while with arrow sticking out of his chest before suddenly realizing he's supposed to die. (IMDB also claims that someone in this scene is smoking, but I haven't been able to spot it.)
Tap or Swipe...No, the Other Side
Poor Kelly. Crushed under a filing cabinet. While they (inanely) tell her she's going to be all right, they can't stop the bleeding... So they stupidly use a credit card! But the worst part? You can clearly see the BACK of the card is facing up in the wider shots and POOF now it's the FRONT of the card in the closeups.
Dead Woman Blinking
Mitzy is supposed to be dead in the bathtub...but clearly blinks and moves.
No One Could Have Anticipated This...Except Everyone
They're assessing damage. Hayden says, "We're designed for head-on collisions! We never anticipated getting hit from the side!"
You mean EXACTLY like the original Titanic? OMG!
The Movie Does a Little Trolling
First off, the pictures in his sketchbook MOVE. Why?? He doesn't bat an eye. Okay, maybe it's his imagination. But then...the Troll doll screeches "You're gonna die! You're gonna die!" I think we have a new Smithee gesture on par with the Birdemic Wings and the Walking Finger.
So This Is What Happens
He "pro-offers" the 13th pup? Did he mean "proffer?" Day Night Day. Great speech. Stonehenge and the moon are in alignment. The Becoming. Chichimatul. WTFFF???
Zem Bones, AKA Smileface Glow Worm Rapture
[Song], but the first minute or so is a good WHAT?! I mean, so is the rest of the movie. But I wanted you to hear this.
An Unlikely Team-Up
An unstoppable combination: Dolph Lundgren and an 11-year-old girl.
Touch the Black Hole!
When you've gotta test your universe-destroying black hole doomsday weapon, what better test subjects than two brainless hookers who don't know enough NOT TO TOUCH THE SPHERE OF ANNIHILATION!
"I Just Had To Get Glen out of That Sac!"
Okay, so her husband was killed yesterday. But when she sees him in a sac (which is weird, since not one other victim was preserved like this, they just died), she risks herself, the mission, and all of mankind to get him out (even though there are no signs of life)...and of course washes off the repellant blood and gets infected instantly!
It's a Sacrifice I'M Willing To Make!
Sure, a few people lost their lives, but that's no reason to cancel the fiesta!
Acting Apiarially Stupid
Now, I'm not up on my Portuguese, but I'm pretty sure that big, scary, red sign does not say "Honey." Not to mention the fact that there's a sign that reads "DANGER" above the door on the inside, and they're clearly speaking English. But ignoring all signs (literal and otherwise) of danger, the father leads his son on a honey heist headed for horrific disaster!
You WON'T Shoot Its Eye Out!
The overconfident frat-bro Titty-Man takes on a T-Rex with costume armor and a BB gun.
Exposure During Exposition
Grant and Sophie add almost nothing to the plot...except titties!
Let's Up the Rating to WHAT?!
Cut to: Bongos and boobies! In the desert! Why? Dunno.
Where's the Brief?
Marty's shorts change color and style between shots! Then we see full-frontal male nudity as the mean kids torture him.
Let's Up the Rating to Rh-Positive
Okay. I can swallow that his blood holds the key to repelling/killing the Organizm. Barely. I can even see that she needs to smear it all over herself to get protection for the mission. But then...they do this. They could have had Frank just keep smearing her hands and let Carrie cover herself, but noooo. They had to make it not only erotic, but *weirdly, over-the-top* erotic!
Corno Movie
One of the taglines from this film is "You're Gonna Need a Bigger Hoe." Well, we've got one here. Sally gets topless playing a sex game with her lover in the cornfield. Then the CGI Shark Puppet eats her. And not in the fun way.
Riding Off into the Sunrise
Ride off into the sunrise with possessed girlfriend and vampire ex in trunk. (Clipped unnecessarily long to include the whole end credits song.)
The Bees and the Humans Share the Cosmos
The UN won't listen! So the bees take matters into their own wings. They crash through the windows and threaten the delegation! And now...either we share the domination of Earth with the bees...or they'll kill us all. Ouch! That stings!
Heroes Unleash Murderous Demon on World To Kill Crooked Reality Show Host
The two finalists who survived go to claim their prize... which turns out to be REVENGE. They throw the captive demon in Dracula's face. And he dies with horrible SPFX. So what if they unleashed a murderous demon back into the world? Who cares when you're multi-millionaires who've found love, right?
The End. Maybe.
The end. Maybe...
It Was Ray-Ray All Along!
The origins of Baby Oopsie weren't some innocent prank, but a demonic toy (literally, since this movie is set in Full Moon's Demonic Toys universe) sent by none other than neighbor Ray-Ray! He's not just a simple, rather weird, and possibly autistic neighbor and doll-podcast-superfan: He's a Satan-worshipping Master of Evil Toys! And he wants Sybil's soul!
No Oscar for Mayor Weiner
As bad as the Constable was at acting, the bald Mayor Zanuck (Todd Martin) shows us why he outranks him. And I mean RANKs. Half the stuff he says is off-the-wall nonsense!
Mayoral Candidate for Worst Acting and Lunch
Another clip from Todd Martin. Whichever of the two doesn't make Worst Acting could easily be Wanna Run. "Bow-legged women"
Katherine Von Forelle as Melissa
Katherine Von Forelle as Melissa (the redhead).
Jenny Allford as the Necromancer
Jenny Allford as the Necromancer.
Joe Estevez Doing His Thing
Estevezing all over the joint!
Joe Estevez on Life...and Probably on Something Else
What were these people smoking? This performance deserves the nod. Ulch.
Dolittle He Ain't
John Carradine's goofy "zzzz-zzz-zzz"ing and hand movements.
There's Nothing Like a Good Death Scene...and This Is Nothing Like a Good Death Scene
Uncle Siggy gets a death scene... "Don't try to save me! Too much blood loss. And I won't tell you who shot me...the BEES know!" Oh...and "The bees can think!"
She Died of CGI
A minion from Purgatory poses as a suicide jumper to lure Gordon's wife Maggie and draw out Gordon. He pulls her to her death...by rotten CGI.
A Whole Bunch of Nonsense
The Despiser revealed! He kills Jake, gets his eye shot out by Gordon, then reveals he has Maggie. All with Truly HORRIBLE CGI FX.
No, Give Me Less! Much Less!
Lame fireside ritual summons a vampire who wants to suck... And he does.
Let's Meet over Cocktails
Captain Battle interrupts some Nazis loading molotov cocktails into their Honda Element and they, er, "fight."
Sam Battle learns his dad's history.
Little Billy Gets It
As soon as you see the kid playing Frisbee with Dad, you know what's gonna happen. But you probably weren't ready for the shark doing...things...to the kid's ass! Or the parents' horrific acting. Or the strawberry syrup thrown around. Or the bouncing head...
Jumping the Shark
Two different copters + Shark + Bad Movie = "SHAAAARRRRRK!"
Everybody REALLY WAS Kung Fu Fighting, for No Reason!
I have no idea who's fighting or why. Typical for this movie.
FUCK YOU, Arm in the Frame!
You see the camera operator's arm sweep up on the left side of the frame. A big FUCK YOU to the audience.