He Has a Ph.D. in Elfology
The Elves could be a Nazi genetic engineering experiment. They're meant to mate with a virgin on Christmas Eve to produce the Master Race. Riiiighhht.
Because the "Tickle Me Elmo" Method Just Wasn't Garnering the Proper Respect
The Go-bot death message.
Conehead Lesbian Nuns
The power crystal has been stolen. Who are these chicks? Coneheads?
Ladies and Gentlemen! Now preeesenting! Your Hard! Rock! Zombies!
Hitler is revealed & the band comes back to life.
And Lo, A Cookie Shall Be Born!
Electrical problems with her walk-in oven (?), a cookie that suddenly looks NOTHING like what she fashioned (22:45), and the bitch daughter of the bakery's across-the-street rival. There's a rat involved. A cat fight. They hit the fusebox and suddenly…! Jacob's ladder evil-cookie badness!
"Go Deep!"
Go Deep! (Football pass right into pit).
Moe Checks His "Danger Zones"
Moe enters the room, looks left, then looks right. He still gets coldcocked from the left by a guy who had to be standing RIGHT where Moe was looking.
Dr. Persons, Keen Observer
Dr Persons misses guy on fire.
Ninjas: Men of Missed-Tree
If only Mister Miyagi had seen this. Why does he not realize that he's being stalked by a tree?
A Series of Oblivious Events
A Series of Oblivious Events
The Odd Dietary Habits of Mythical Reptiles and Other Strange Facts about Transvestites
"Beware of the big, green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys, puppy-dog tails, and BIG, FAT snails."
The Perversions of Chocolate the Poodle
Chocolate love.
How To Take Out a Wall
"Let's fire together, one at a time." Huh?
Now Now, or Just Then Now?
She rambles about time, finishing with "don't think about the past or the present ... just think about now."
A Slap in the Face of Good Movies
We get to see the wife’s bad acting again, until...enter the Inspector. *SLAP* He did you a favor, pal! She even agrees!
Descent into History
The hero falls out the window, then stands in front of a bluescreen and waves his arms. A very slow descent into Bad Movie history.
Burning Robot Bear
Burning robot bear.
The Rocket Sled sequence.
The Rocket Sled sequence. Bad FX. The annoying puppet gets burned (yay!) but then so do we when we eventually see the ultra-mega-cheesy blue screen effects later.
Dummy in Drag
You dummy!
Attacked by a 1980's Screensaver!
50:24 MLP, SFX -> birds attacking mysteriously ... and bad FX
Home Run!
Campers sleeping. Big bear comes. One little boy starts hopping. BAM! He goes flying end-over-end and hits a rock. All that's left is flying feathers.
Good Until At Last You Drop
Exploding coffee in the face leads to running through a sign.
Being a Gemini, I Never Know What To Expect
Being a Gemini, I never know what to expect.
Death by Water Pressure.
Death by water spike.
Explosive Diarrhea
Ghost Storm: Death bybloody toilet
"Imperial Battleship! Halt the Flow of Time!"
"Imperial battleship! Halt the flow of time!"
"Look! A Helicopter! And a Flight plan! We're Saved!"
"Look! A helicopter! And a flight plan! We're saved!"
Looking a Little Flushed
Sammi *trips* and sticks his arm in the toilet bowl.
Always look both ways.
Bad guy kicks heroes' asses, then gets hit by station wagon.
The Same DEM Thing
We've seen this clip several times before in the Smithees. But never quite like *this*.
Chiang-Shihs Wobble But They Don't Fall Down
The Chinese bouncing vampire is lame. It's even lamer as it uses its only power: the ability to rise, Weeble-like, whenever it's knocked over.
The Dreaded Arm-Snake
Monsieur arm-snake; especially the bit where it kills Dr von Todd.
A Turkey within a Turkey
Turkey-headed freak.
The Godawfulmonster of Indian Flats
The Godmonster of Indian Flats, itsownself.
Stupidest-Looking?! That, too.
Reappearance of the "one-eyed monster" from earlier, buttressed by a strange pterodactyl-worm thing.
Because Below Absolute Zero, Molecules Start Vibrating Backwards
Below absolute zero, molecules start vibrating backwards.
One Breath Makes You Grow Larger; One Breath Makes You Grow Smaller
The talk in the hallway about how the oxygen in the atmosphere will make him shrink/grow.
That's Not What They Call It in Arkansas
"I've never interfaced with a quadruped before."
Of Frogs, Ben Franklin, and Earthquake-Causing Dinos
A discussion of science: earthquakes, frogs, dinosaurs, and Ben Franklin.
We're sending you to Mars 216...all your data is stored on this 16 GB Thumb Drive
On the Plus Side, Room Service Later Only Took Three Minutes
The edgy cop chases a potential assassin through the halls of the hotel. He ends up cornering a maid at gunpoint. "Uh. Where are those towels?" he demands.
"Pitiful Rebellion..."
"Pitiful rebellion..."
"Why Jack Off...?"
"Why jack off when you can jack in?"
Two cups breadcrumbs to one cup shit
Two for the price of one -- first we get Shaq's "It's hammer time", followed by "Well, I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in breadcrumbs." "One of Odessa's recipes?"
Undercover Investigation
Detective: “How do you know so much about the murder? Where were you on that night?”
Female suspect: “I was home washing my hair and shaving my pussy.”
*Detective lifts her skirt and looks down*
Detective: “Your story checks out.”
[This category was retired after 2017]
That's Right, Folks: The Film's Entire Budget Was Less Than the Cost of a Chainsaw
"It's Cheaper Than a Chainsaw!"
Four Letters, Ends with "R-A-P"
The description of the movie is written in the form of a rap song.
The Cover is a Pack of Lies
The cover is a pack of lies. No ninjas, queen, or boxers were harmed involved in the making of this film.
Not the Wong cover.
"A lightning bolt striking the grave of Bruce Lee, bringing him back for action. Bruce Lee, plays a kung fu instructor who starts a quest to avenge a friend's death, and on the way gets romantically involved with a girl that has similar problems. He eventually finds the bad guys behind it all, and they live to regret it."
Lost Treasure of theGrand Canyon: Things that are on the front cover that are in this movie --Michael Shanks, Shannen Doherty, a monster that looks surprisingly like the onepictured. Things that are on the front cover that are not in this movie -- apyramid, lost treasure, the Grand Canyon. Back cover -- still no pyramid, stillno Grand Canyon, there is no "ultimate ritual of evil," and the bestthing they can find to say about the producers is that they also made Smitheewinner Sands of Oblivion. Yay?
The Very Definition of a "Bad Day"
Two guys fighting. Bad guy gets caught in a flag, dragged behind a Jeep over rocky terrain, dumped in a water-filled pit (complete with alligators), then pulls the Jeep on top of himself. So the other guy blows it up with machine-gun fire.
Rocket Man
Rocket man!
Close Range Machine Gun Death
Close range machine gun death. She shoots him for ten minutes, then kicks him in the crotch and walks away. Classic!
No Shoes, No Ammo, No Service
Harry has finally snapped. The greeter screams and the bullets fly. And fly. And fly. And
fly. And fly. And... Well, you get the picture.
Some Folks Just Can't Get a Brake
Billy’s parents have left 3-year-old Billy in the tender care of his “aunt.” Now for a nice, enjoyable road trip! In the mountains! Behind a logging truck! What I don’t get is how Dad never had to use his (sabotaged) brakes even once before this point? Anyhow, careening cars, log decapitation, over the cliff screaming, and then…wait for it…wait for it…BOOM! The delayed explosion makes this and will play really well to the audience when I appear to be moving on while they’re expecting an explosion and not getting one…
Ask an Inane Question...
Ask an Inane Question....
Could Be Serious
"Kill you? That could be serious--"
I Guess the Title Checks Out
A Series of Inanities revolving primarily around a locked ("from the outside!") door.
"You're present." "Yeah." "Not absent." "Nope."
"You're alive." "Yeah." "You survived." "Yeah."
What Can I Tell You about This Clip?
"What can you tell me?" "Just what I said."
One. Two. Five.
The hilarious space battle where they count the enemy fighters and consistently count wrong.
Stunt Double!
Stunt double, maybe?
Night of a Thousand Thousand Cats Cats
Flashback sequence repeats. Aaaaugh! But oh-so-good.
"The --"
It stops. No
resolution. No credits. No nothing. The movie abruptly ceases.
Do You Think They Were Distracted by Something?
Camera mic in upper-right corner (BDC - And sound guy lounging in mirror!)
Good Thing He Dipped His Gun in Holy Water Before He Left
Billy is overcome by Drac. Billy's friends arrive and shoot at Drac, who laughs. Billy revives, takes the empty gun and K.O.'s Drac with a throw (ARGH!). He then takes an iron spike and kills the vampire.
Ninjas on the Grass, Alas
Ninjas on grass.
Waltzing with the Priests
Waltzing with the priests
The Charge of the Stock Footage Brigade
Stock footage!
He's A Dynamite Salesman, With Strong Follow-Through
Dolemite poses as a door-to-door porn salesman in order to get information from Mrs. Cavaletti.
"Wow, a Stake! Just What I always Wanted!"
Wow, a stake. Just what I always wanted....
Hello? Anybody Home?
Okay. You're not supposed to be in that office, you sneak around furtively. You know that the villain is a Satanic phone line. The phone rings with an eerie echoing sort of sound. What do you do? Hello?
Stupid Is as Stupid Does
Touch the glowing shock device.
Is "Gullible" Still in the Dictionary?
Lose at strip dice, ask the gamblers to turn around while you undress, then run off when they do.
Let's Climb This Skull
We're lost. Let's climb this creepy skull-shaped mountain and take a look around.
And Now Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Movie...
The beach scene, where two clones are walking along and they see a group of naked women partying (with Coke). After the women attack a nearby man, the clones just say, "Forget them, let's get back to work."
They Say the Death Penalty Is Not a Deterrant
The Breasts of Death. You are sentenced to Death by Flashing.
A Very Exclusive Luchadore Interview
Random Luchadore sex.
"Kidnapped?!" Boobies!
"Kidnapped?!" Boobies!
We'll Be Right Back After These Breastages
The film takes a break for a visit to Richard Cannon's house, the "highlight" of which is his tennis match against a topless woman.
He Tampered in God's Domain
The ending! Owwww! Big Bela grimaces. Day! Night! Day! Styrofoam rock! Splash into water with octopus! (Octopus?) Lightning strikes monster and octopus, causing a nuclear explosion. "He tampered in God's domain." THE END.
"Do You Want a Dorito?"
Long stare as they drive.
"Do you want a Dorito?"
"Do you want a Dorito?"
You Got Your Flashbacks in My Credits...
The movie is over. Flashback or credits?
Now Dashboard Away, Dashboard Away, Dashboard Away, All!
The van flies off into the full moon. "Merry
Christmas!" The End.
Repetitive Pride of the Yankees & our heroes are both dead ... maybe (???)
Worse Delivery Than Torgo's Pizza
Myra Chason really acts badly. "Oh. You. Must. Be. Won Ton Ghoul." [change expression] "I've heard. So much. About you."
Pamela Suckstch
Pamela Sutch as Rana.
Anna Nicole Smith, Believer in Puppies
(Anna Nicole Smith) Excuse me for still believing in Sunday walks in the park and women who can't out-act their breasts.
Mickey O'Malley (Joe Estevez)
Mickey O'Malley (Joe Estevez) sends out the ninjas.
A S-story To E-e-e-eassse the Tensssion
Don tells a pointless story to console his brother Doug. Really badly. Really pointless. Haltingly. With bad edits. And occasional hair on the camera.
The Window of Opportunity
The other hilarious space battle, where the heroes fire missiles at the villain's hand-shaped space station. The missiles crash through the station's plate glass WINDOWS, and TROOPS jump out. Wouldn't explosives have been better?
Somebody Had To Die
Rana and her associates have been captured by Dr von Todd, and the arm-snake strikes.
More KKK-on-Acid Shenanigans
Worst Pic Clip. More KKK-on-acid shenanigans.
Hooked another one!
The final fight sequence. Nick glistens! Stingray gleams! Kristi fights with her arm in a sling! ...and all in the hospital's loading dock.
Martial-Arts Free-For-All with Banjo
Martial-arts free-for-all with banjo accompanyment.